tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post6421309232711523146..comments2023-07-15T10:07:19.758-04:00Comments on My Spouse Is Dead: Grieving a Sudden DeathVichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comBlogger109125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-47202740567360787342020-10-29T22:49:12.217-04:002020-10-29T22:49:12.217-04:00Hi Unknown, I'm so sorry for your loss.
What ...Hi Unknown, I'm so sorry for your loss.<br /><br />What helped me was finding a local grief support group. These days, many of these are done virtually, so that could make it even easier to participate. Other grievers really "got" me, and we all supported each other. I hope you are able to find some similar support.<br /><br />VicVichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-53306776032017443512020-10-29T22:24:51.157-04:002020-10-29T22:24:51.157-04:00Hi Vic. Just reading your blog and I don't fee...Hi Vic. Just reading your blog and I don't feel alone anymore. Thank you for your service to others who have suffered loss. Some how I have stumbled upon your site as I googled how to navigate the loss of a spouse and BHAM! there you were! MY Partner (who I always hoped would propose) had been through 7 weeks of radiation treatment for Tonsil cancer (cureable and was officially cured based on follow up PET scan result). Now he just had to recover from treatments. one month later almost to the day.. he had a sudden heart attack after he woke me to say he wasn't feeling well and had pain between his shoulders. he felt like he was having a panic attack. this happened once before maybe 2 weeks prior. He described it as a panic attack. We engaged in diaphragmatic breathing first time which made him feel better and I told him the next time this happens I will need to call for an ambulance. The night he passed same thing.. this time we breathed for a minute or so and he relaxed. I called 911 and when I came back to the room he looked relaxed and back to sleep.. when suddenly.. while I have the 911 operator on speaker phone he gasps and passes away. I work on him (massage therapist with training) not even realizing or believing he is gone. On her instruction I somehow lift him out of the bed without "hurting him" and place him on the floor of our bedroom and continue compressions while I wait for the emergency responders to arrive. This al happened 2 months ago. I am so grateful that that last day we placed some advertising up for our clinic and he said "what do you think?" And I replied "I think it looks BRILLIANT! and you wonder why I love you! " I said "let's drive around and pass by so we can look at it!" This memory helps relieve the guilt BUT! I still carry guilt about past conversations where I didn't show appreciation only complained about his messiness etc. I didn't really believe he loved me as much as I wanted because he never asked me to marry him.... After he passed I had quite a few items arrive in the mail he had ordered for me for my soon birthday. He couldn't wait for my birthday (8 days later). One of the things was a tanzanite diamond band, Was he going to ask me? I will never know. I have so many emotions right now. Trauma, loss, don't know where I belong, ( we moved away from my lifetime hometown to bring our clinic 700 miles away 2 years ago) I can't even imagine packing up and moving back ,,, really overwhelmed. But<br /> oddly the practice has gotten more busy and I have returned to work as a massage and laser therapist and it makes me feel at least helpful and useful in a time where I was at home grieving but walking around in circles not knowing what to do next. I thank you for reading this and appreciate any input you have. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01984765591082894073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-78471587145081186112017-08-02T11:58:01.488-04:002017-08-02T11:58:01.488-04:00Hi Vic and all who are reading this.
How do you g...Hi Vic and all who are reading this.<br /><br />How do you get over the guilt of actively participating in behavior that kills your best friend.<br /><br />My beautiful wife, (my best friend), of 19 years and only 38 yrs. old, died just over 2 months ago. She only drank on the weekends. When she drank, she drank like a fish. She's done this since she was old enough to drink. Unless she was pregnant, ( we have 3 kids), then she wouldn't drink.<br /><br />We were fortunate enough to have babysitters and go out almost every weekend dancing. During all this time she would take numerous meds for anxiety and sleeping. Over the years, her libido shrank to where she only wanted it when she drank, and those nights were wild.<br /><br />Recently she started talking about cutting back on the drinking. She tried once, and she was in a bad mood all night and we just went to sleep afterward. After that experience we still discussed her cutting back. This didn't happen because of the bad experience and I always looked forward to the wild nights in bed. So I would remind her of our bad experience and she would reluctantly agree.<br /><br />Fast forward to 2 months ago. She started off with Beers, then I would make the strong drinks for her and she would have 2 of them. We went out dancing and had a great time. She took her usual meds for sleep. Unfortunately, one of them can be dangerous with alcohol, but she's done the same thing for years. This one night she dies in her sleep.<br /><br />Took almost 2 months to get the toxicology report and they are saying accidental drug overdose. Her level was far below the toxic level in Micrograms. Alcohol was high as it always was every weekend.<br /><br />Guilt is way too much to bear as I encouraged the behavior and even made the drinks. I also knew the risks because I study medications and supplements that we take.<br /><br />So the feelings that I have are magnified because I was an instigator and selfish. This has to be the worst type of sudden death. I know my role in this and it is killing me.<br /><br />She really was beautiful and everyone told her so. When we went to parties she was usually the prettiest girl in the room. She worked in health care and she had a heart of gold. Everyone that met her, loved her.<br />people said that we were a cute couple and had the best marriage of anyone they knew.<br /><br />I'm writing all this to put all this into perspective.<br /><br />No amount of therapy will help because it is what it is and I can't change it. Maybe the only thing I can do is eventually warn others of the dangers of risky behavior. It will be a long time, if ever, that I could do that. I'm not suicidal but this would be a great reason for it.<br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Very Sad DadAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-49327411454050658142017-01-26T11:03:14.011-05:002017-01-26T11:03:14.011-05:00Hi C Watson, I'm very sorry for your loss.
I ...Hi C Watson, I'm very sorry for your loss.<br /><br />I contacted the Bon Secours Bereavement Center located at:<br />716 Denbigh Boulevard, Suite B-3<br />Newport News, VA<br /><br />They were very helpful and friendly on the phone. They have 2 support groups, one at 10am and another at 5pm. They also mentioned something called Healing Touch, a type of bereavement therapy involving massage.<br /><br />Their website is <a href="https://bonsecours.com/hampton-roads/our-services/bereavement-center" rel="nofollow">https://bonsecours.com/hampton-roads/our-services/bereavement-center</a>, and you can reach them by phone at 757-947-3420.<br /><br />Does this help? If not, please let me know and I'll see if I can find another group.<br /><br />Be well,<br /><br />VicVichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-30563788480614350522017-01-25T23:38:43.781-05:002017-01-25T23:38:43.781-05:00Hi Vic, I need your help to find a support group f...Hi Vic, I need your help to find a support group for me. My husband of 41 years passed suddenly 5,years ago. I am in need of support. <br />I live in Newport News Va<br /><br />Thank you,<br />C Watson<br /><br /><br />C Watsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05806777170597830632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-23204315915410609262016-12-16T18:58:08.263-05:002016-12-16T18:58:08.263-05:0013 days ago my husband,of almost 52 years died. He...13 days ago my husband,of almost 52 years died. He had a backache and I finally convinced himto,go to the hospital for,triage,or urgent care. He walked into the hospital alone (i did not,go with him and didn't even,kiss him before he left). In triage they transferred him to er. As soon as that happened i went right away. About four pm he had me go home to feed the dogs, get his ipad so we could play words,with friends, etc. when I got back he was still in er and eating,dinner. They were waiting for a bed,for him on a regular,ward. Said he,had pneumonia. Transferred to floor and started having major breathing problems. I saw the fear in his eyes. Two hours, intubated and placed on vent, to cat,scan found he had a kidney stone and was in septic shock. Walked in at ten am and died at 2 am.sepsis protocol not followed,but that is a whole another,story. 52 years an apathetic marriage.yes, i loved him greatly but did i show it. Yes, he .loved me but did he really,show it. The night before he died we kissed before bed as always...and that,was,it. I blame. Myself for everything, i should have gone with him. BUt he was always,going to urgent,care for one thing,or another and frankly i wasn t really,worried. See apathy. I hate. Myself<br />, i am guilty,of not being the wife i should have been. We are not the old couple holding hands into the sunset. I am crap.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-38094718820985470082016-10-25T16:56:31.402-04:002016-10-25T16:56:31.402-04:00Hi Vic,
I lost my wife of almost 20 years due to a...Hi Vic,<br />I lost my wife of almost 20 years due to a medical injury 8 weeks back. I don't feel like dying as have 2 kids to take care of and grow them the way she wanted them to be. Trying to adjust with work and home responsibilities as she was the one who was taking care of home. I cry a lot and don't have reasons for it like I started crying while typing first 2 sentences. Your blog is really good as found some relief after reading that I am not only one and also not behaving abnormal.<br /><br />Thanks<br />MRAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-61631655331019349902016-08-10T23:37:25.558-04:002016-08-10T23:37:25.558-04:00Hi Vic,
I m in similar situation , it's been 2...Hi Vic,<br />I m in similar situation , it's been 20days and I was married just for 10 days . We were on our honeymoon. I am so restless and feel like dying within everyday . Please help me . Right now I m in India but I m planning to come to Florida soon.Anitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08066486917478380627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-57225960770577806782016-04-27T00:45:28.968-04:002016-04-27T00:45:28.968-04:00My husband died last week. I had a flu/ resp type...My husband died last week. I had a flu/ resp type illness. I'm a nurse. I gave it to him. We should have called the doctor on friday. the weekend was coming but we didn't. Sat he was sick in bed all day. Sunday he was better. He got up and watched tv with my son. Monday I went to work . I told him I didn't like the way he was coughing. He had COPD so this virus was hitting him hard. i said I will pick up antibiotics for you. i called my daughter who lives with us to check on him. She didn't answer the phone til the 4th call. She found him dead on our bathroom floor. he was getting better he wasn't suppose to die. We had plans for our life. I blame myself for not taking him to the doctor friday. I mean im a nurse i am suppose to know these things. i went to work. I never never thought he would die. omg i can<br />t live with this guilt. My daughter feels guilty because she didn't answer the phone the first time. since 20 mins went by and he was still warm when she found him. The emts did all they could but it was too late. what if what if we live with that me and her. god i feel so guilty. my love of 40 years is dead now. I drink to numb the pain. its the only way i can sleep at nightAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-53500168027871507732015-11-05T06:35:48.405-05:002015-11-05T06:35:48.405-05:00No Vic you are wrong. He did die for a reason. T...No Vic you are wrong. He did die for a reason. The reason is that I didn't call the ambulance. He was so healthy. He had no symptoms of anything. No shortness of breath, no swelling, nothing. That is why he and I made the decision it had to be the Red Bull and coffee. He and I took that chance that was the reason he died. He always told me he thought he would die young. Well he did.<br /><br />I backtracked his medical records. I got his operational records from the hospital. I got 17 years of primary care records. I got the FAA records. His surgery records for a disc a year ago. The only clue was the EKG of which he was not told about and the day I didn't tell him to go to hell, that I was calling an ambulance anyway. I had all those records sent to an cardiologist in New York. Yep, we could have saved him that day. Heart surgery yep but We got one shot. I missed.<br /><br />I see people who smoke, are fat, who don't take care of themselves everyday and I just want to scream. He was so health conscious he wouldn't take anything. But he took the aspirin. Another sign.<br /><br />People do die. It is a tragedy that people like him die and people like me wake up every morning. I open my eyes and know I deserve another day. I buried my mother at 26 after taking care of her with Alzheimers for years. It is not my first rodeo with tragedy or death. I don't think a death group is going to make me feel any better pretending I didn't contribute to my husbands death. If they could, it would be a lie that I would have to force myself to believe. The truth is the truth.<br /><br />Have a great life. I am happy that you can justify. I am not in that situation.<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-6907297594966447972015-11-04T21:37:10.477-05:002015-11-04T21:37:10.477-05:00Hi Anonymous, I'm so sorry for your loss.
It ...Hi Anonymous, I'm so sorry for your loss.<br /><br />It is very common for us to try and find meaning in death through blame. The reality is, you did the best you could at the time. If you had known with 100% certainty that he would be dead right now, you would have done more, right? But you didn't know with certainty. You didn't know for sure, so you didn't act. Sounds pretty reasonable to me.<br /><br />But that still doesn't help you with your search for meaning in this tragedy. This is how our minds work. "He must have died for a <b>reason</b>!"<br /><br />Humans are born, live, and die. That's what they do. Our culture doesn't want much to do with death, so consequently we don't know much about how to grieve.<br /><br />I learned how to grieve at a peer-based support group for people who had lost their spouse to death. If there's one such group near you, consider checking it out. You are still in the early days of grief, and it is likely to get worse before it gets better. Meeting regularly with other newly-bereaved people can really help take some of the sting out of grief.<br /><br />Take care,<br /><br />VicVichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-4461788895833908572015-11-04T19:35:48.245-05:002015-11-04T19:35:48.245-05:00I deserve every bit of this "new normal"...I deserve every bit of this "new normal" as a neighbor calls it. My husband came home from the gym in July and said he had heaviness on his chest. He said it "scared him." I googled heaviness on the chest and READ heart attack and ignored it when he told me he had drank two cups of coffee and a red bull. He had such an aversion to caffeine I thought that was what it was. I did give him an aspirin (yes, I know- in the back of my mind....) and laid down with him. He said it went away. We were at Lowes when I felt he was cold clammy. Googled it and didn't see heart attack. He told me he felt fine. Did I call my neighbor the nurse? Nope. Did I call my daughter the nurse? Nope. He was so healthy. Had no symptoms. No heart history. Pilot with EKG every year. Later, I found out 6 of 10 years were abnormal in minor way. Doc never told him because he could fly.<br /><br />Long story short, 8 days later, widow maker.<br /><br />I deserve this life without him. Every lonely hour, minute and second. I could have saved him. Burden I will pay for the rest of my life. No one to walk my daughter down the aisle. No one to grow old with. No one to help my son. I deserve every feeling of misery I have coming.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-60810348757591235842015-10-15T07:33:31.164-04:002015-10-15T07:33:31.164-04:00My wife and I met on 9 December 2012 in Marrakech....My wife and I met on 9 December 2012 in Marrakech. I was at a point in my life where I asked the Universe if I will ever meet someone that could bring me happiness, start a family and have direction. On the other side of the world, my future wife also had a wish - meet the man of her dreams, fall in love, be romanced, a romantic proposal, get married and have children. It all happened and in the span of 2 years and half we did everything. We had our first born baby on 29 August 2015. On 3 September, Joanna didn't feel anything un-towards, in fact she messaged all her friends that it was the first day she didn't cry and the baby blues was out of the door. The following morning, we got up at 6am, she told me that she was tired of "doing this everyday", meaning the breast feeding. I told her that we could do formula feeding but she insisted that it was her duty. I placed Maya on the pillow while she maneuvered to place her for the feeding. She said how much she loved our daughter which prompted me to ask "do you love her more than yourself?" and she replied - YES! and I queried - what about me? She smiled/laughed and said "of course, equally". Then I was about to get up to walk Zorro (our pug) but she said, rest for now my baby, it's a weekend. So I complied. The next thing I heard was a loud sound which woke me up and I saw Joanna on the floor. Her eyes were dilated, her breathing was ragged. I screamed "pangga! (this is vernacular for my love in Visayan dialect) and went straight beside her. I checked for any injury on the back of her head but there was nothing. I called for her mom and she came immediately. I saw her face was turning cyanotic (bluish) and I knew I was losing her. So I started CPR immediately (I was a nurse before) and gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Then I asked my mother-in-law to give me the phone and dialed the emergency number while keeping my compression on Joanna. I checked for a pulse, nothing. Pupils still dilated. I had a feeling she was gone but she was still exhaling but no inhalation. I told her please baby for Maya and I felt her surge like she struggled to survive or wanted to tell me something but could not. Then the ambulance came, they attached her to the defibrillator and monitor. No pulse. Clear! Then the shock. Nothing. We placed her onto the stretcher and went down. I told the two EMT's to save my wife. We just had a baby 8 days ago. They pronounced her gone at 0804 hrs on 4 September. I kissed her mouth one last time, her mother came and crumpled to the ground when I told her Joanna was gone. The sudden death after the birth of our daughter is very hard to accept but I've started a new painful journey which is teaching me a lot of things about life and what is the most important thing when we are living. Moving on will be a roller coaster ride. The pain is constantly there, it will never go away but I feel that Joanna is with us and with our daughter will allow me to at least slowly accept her absence. A lot of fantastic events that even I cannot explain. I am a seeker (not a dis-believer) and I constantly want to know that there are are unexplained events surrounding Joanna's early departure and weird stuff but I know it's her. Our future together has been abruptly cut, her death attributed to a pulmonary infarction due to an embolism. I will not look for answers now, it will come one day and I will find peace and closure. She was my angel and now she is watching over myself and our daughter. I love you Joanna Medalle.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-89586291169819823432015-09-29T06:32:51.112-04:002015-09-29T06:32:51.112-04:00I've lost my wife last month. We were so attac...I've lost my wife last month. We were so attached to one other many times things happened through telepathy. If i just thought about her in the afternoon she would just call and say hi. That fateful Friday night every thing went as usual except that I came home an hour late than my usual time since I was buying things for weekend. Made dinner ate together watched TV, suddenly I felt tired wanted to go to bed, she was watching her program she switched off and joined me to sleep. Normally before sleeping we talk for 30-45 minutes, that day I put her feet up on the bed and went to sleep... Got up at 1.25 am thinking it was 4.00 am went to the loo and asked her whether she wanted to go. I came out there was no reply, saw the clock and told her honey I got up so early she never replied... suddenly I felt cold all over my body as if someone hugging me, I rushed towards her she was gone... she woke me up to say goodbye before leaving me forever. For many days i felt that it was a bad dream and would end soon. Till date I feel guilty of going to bed early rather than sitting and watching TV with her. I have no desire for living. Would be happy to die and meet my soulmate. I cry for her talk always think about telepathy... see and hear things in my sleep...Hate to go to bed and get up alone. I'm neither living nor dying somewhere in between. Very difficult adjusting life without her doing things alone, just keep reading, hate TV. Don't know where life will lead me to...alokesghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14539885547402440372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-24550845568792477632015-08-14T20:41:02.303-04:002015-08-14T20:41:02.303-04:00It's been less than a month since I lost my hu...It's been less than a month since I lost my husband to a motorcycle accident. Here one minute, gone the next. The grief is overwhelming that sometimes I wonder how I'm going to make it. Like Bonnie, I relive the moment in my head over and over, asking myself why did this happen and why to me? I have gone through so many emotions in the past month but I know deep inside I have to push myself pass this and move on. But I find it painfully hard to do so.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-30806430636308584192015-08-14T20:39:17.600-04:002015-08-14T20:39:17.600-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12689554477619508287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-82133325153432533532014-10-20T17:07:54.349-04:002014-10-20T17:07:54.349-04:00Hi I know the pain you are feeling it sounds just ...Hi I know the pain you are feeling it sounds just like what happend to me my husband and I had an argument about how to clean the house and things with our kids but made up and that night I went gor movies came home started watching them he said he was going to bed and I fell asleep on the couch and woke up early didn't check on him left the house to get school supplies noticed 30 min into the drive no wallet so drove back called my house to make sure he was up to get the kids on the bus and my oldest found him dead and I had to try cpr till the emts showed up he died from NOS autism epileptic seizures. He was the light in my dark world and now I am alone to face the world again at least I have my boys but I feel detached from the world. You are not alone. By:<br />Mrs. Miller <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-75541541060441028112013-10-18T02:07:41.954-04:002013-10-18T02:07:41.954-04:00I lost my wife suddenly of 23 years on June 14, 20...I lost my wife suddenly of 23 years on June 14, 2013, from an accidental prescription drug overdose. At the time I thought it was the worst thing I could experience, recalling the medics performing cpr on my kitchen floor at 2 in the morning as I and my two young boys looked on. The days following in the hospital while she was in a coma, shook me to the core. Having to visit the cemetery and think about planning for the inevitable, looking back now it was all a fog. The shock or numbness has now begun to wear off and now I feel the lonliness, the loss, talking to her sometimes in our bedroom. The should of would of could of thing Vic mentioned here helps me, but I still cry about the things I should of done or said and didnt. I dont really know where life goes from here for me, I have to hang in there for my two kids who are 21 and 17, but as for the rest of it, it just sucks and doesnt seem like for me there is much to hold on to. Each week I make a list of things I will do to try to pick myself up, go workout, go to work, clean house, and as the week unfolds I just usually do little if anything other than stay up late and think about the past. I also find myself waking up at 5 am or so after only sleeping a few short hours each night. Im so tired every day from lack of sleep but I just dont seem able to sleep for long. Also now at night Im beginning to have dreams of Teresa, like I'm talking with her and stuff, only to wake up and find I am all alone. This just sucks. I read all over the place how things get better, but Im not sure I really want them to or that I even care anymore. I just find myself going through the motions each day with little care of how things turn out anymore. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-69924649512825023072013-08-01T21:09:01.188-04:002013-08-01T21:09:01.188-04:00Hi Joanie, I'm very sorry for your loss.
What...Hi Joanie, I'm very sorry for your loss.<br /><br />What do I mean by mean by "coulda, shoulda, woulda, didnta!"?<br /><br />For many people (and not just grievers!), a good chunk of their inner dialog sounds something like this:<br /><br />"I could have said something that sounded more intelligent instead of like an idiot."<br /><br />"I should have told him sooner."<br /><br />"I would have been more compassionate if I had known."<br /><br />"I didn't do what I should have done."<br /><br />So the point of the phrase "coulda, shoulda, woulda, didnta!" is to cut short this pointless inner scolding. Why didn't you do what you could/should/would have? Because you did the best you could at the time. You didn't do what you couldn't do, namely, do better than you were capable of at that time.<br /><br />How can anyone (even you!) berate you for doing your best? <br /><br />If you could have done better, you would have. But you didn't have the capacity to do better. So you did the best you could have at the time.<br /><br />If you were better, you should have done better. But you weren't better. You were at your best at the time, so you did the best you could have at the time.<br /><br />You didn't do better because you couldn't do better at that time.<br /><br />So the next time that critical inner voice (whom my former mentor affectionately called "that vile bitch upstairs") starts beating you up about not doing enough, you can remind her that you did the best you could at the time.<br /><br />Does this help?<br /><br />Take care,<br /><br />VicVichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-80874440091194429802013-08-01T19:15:53.207-04:002013-08-01T19:15:53.207-04:00Vic,
can you tell me what you mean by "coulda...Vic,<br />can you tell me what you mean by "coulda, shoulda, woulda, didnta." I am in a debilitating quagmire of feeling responsible for not doing enough to save my spouse and without trying to seem invasive, can you comment on what you mean about keeping certain thoughts about Deb in place now. thank you for your site. it is different than most. Joanjoaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00711906492008985911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-32058548200372165822013-05-11T18:06:55.191-04:002013-05-11T18:06:55.191-04:00My husband of 17 years died suddenly on January 27...My husband of 17 years died suddenly on January 27, 2013. I found him dead on the family room floor that morning. He had been to the doctor on January 4th and to a cardiologist on January 14th. He was told to make another appointment in 6-8 weeks. He died 2 weeks later. It wasn't until February 5th, when I received the death certificate in the mail, that I knew what caused his death -aortic dissection. <br /><br />I went back to work on February 21st. I transitioned back into my job working some partial days and eventually back to full days, sometimes working 14 hours. On April 26th, I requested a 2 week leave of absence. By this point, I had lost about 30 pounds and hadn't sleep 6-8 hours consecutively. I was completely exhausted and consumed in grief.<br /><br />I focused on healing over the last 2 weeks. I am going to grief counseling, sleeping when I need to, and trying to eat something everyday. <br /><br />I am suppose to return to work on Monday. I really don't know if I can put forth the find of stamina, energy, and focus that is needed in my work. I am concerned that I will not meet my bosses expectations. On the flip side, I am also afraid to take a longer break from work. What is wrong with me??? Why can't I just go to work and forget about all the pain? I don't know what to do. Do I resign and take a break for a while? Will I find another job? What will I do without health insurance? Any thoughts or experiences that others have had would be very helpful to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-72458482477697480182012-12-29T10:40:21.041-05:002012-12-29T10:40:21.041-05:00It has been six days since I lost my beloved Mike....It has been six days since I lost my beloved Mike. Last week Mike complained of shortness of breath, but so many people have had the flu that Mike thought he had it too. I was persistent that he go to the doctor. He finally went last Friday, but the doctor was not in his office. I called Mike to see what the doctor said and he told me the doctor was out. I told him to go to our walk in medical clinic. He said he was fine. On Saturday he was not feeling well and stayed in bed saying her had the flu. I checked on him many time and got him what he needed throughout the day. As we went to bed and the next morning we talked about how excited we were to be having Christmas with our five children, daughter-in-law and out six wonderful grandchildren. Our kids live all over the United States and, even though we are extremely close and talk all the time, we have not all been together in two years. Then it happened. As we were getting ready, he collapsed and yelled my name. That was it. 22 years of wonderful memories is all I have. I am been thru many emotions. I read that sometimes when you lose a husband suddenly that you wish you could say you are sorry or that you love them, but that was not necessary with the two of us...it was known. I have also been angry that he didn't get additional medical treatment, but if Mike thought for one minute that he was at risk of leaving me/us he would do anything necessary to be here. I am left with a shattered heart. Our bedroom where he died is my safe place. No one is allowed in our room. When family, friends or the world gets too much, I just go to my safe place. I don't know what the next ten minutes will bring, but I do know that I have experienced true love and we are an example of what love is! Everyone knew it. I will see you again my love when my time comes. I am not afraid. I don't know God's plan for me but I will carry you with me every minute. We are the same, but now very different. I miss you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-27709812332114207512012-11-10T23:04:41.784-05:002012-11-10T23:04:41.784-05:00Hi LA, I'm very sorry for your loss.
It has b...Hi LA, I'm very sorry for your loss.<br /><br />It has been 4 months now for you, so you are probably getting in to the worst of it. Is there a peer-based support group near you? I started attending around the 5-6 month mark, and it really helped me.<br /><br />Take care,<br /><br />VicVichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-75832323057373633192012-11-09T01:37:52.264-05:002012-11-09T01:37:52.264-05:00Hi Anonymous (from 29 June), I'm very sorry fo...Hi Anonymous (from 29 June), I'm very sorry for your loss.<br /><br />I have a bit of an idea as to how you are feeling -- my son also was two years old when Deb died. And yes, it is a bizarre feeling to see life carry on as normal for others when our life gets turned upside down. <br /><br />What I came to appreciate during my grieving, and a concept I now apply to my everyday life, is that my feelings are constantly changing. Yes, for many many days I felt similarly horrible. Similar, but not identical. Looking back, I can see that my feelings were changing, little by little. I grieved for about two years, and then it was largely over. <br /><br />Writing now from an additional four years on the other side of grief, it is starting to be hard to remember what it was like to grieve. My life is so different now -- I've remarried, I now have 4 boys to raise, I've started new projects, work is going well, and I continue to meet new people and build great friendships.<br /><br />Why do I mention this? When I was grieving, I too couldn't imagine myself being happy again. That was looking too far into the future. I needed to focus on getting through another minute, another second. As the days and months passed, I could gradually start shifting my time horizon to getting through another day. Then another week. Then another month. Before I knew it, I was starting to think more about the future and less about being a widower. It was then that I could start imagining the day when I would be happy again. Today, I can't imagine myself *not* being happy.<br /><br />So hang in there! Find a local grief peer-support group, take each moment as it comes, and take care of yourself and your son. My heart goes out to you.<br /><br />VicVichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12604449367265697562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215101825292415335.post-80510152450568213712012-11-03T01:58:11.931-04:002012-11-03T01:58:11.931-04:00I wrote the post on June 2o/2012. I look back over...I wrote the post on June 2o/2012. I look back over the last 5 months without him, and the shock has worn off and now I am grieving. I cry every day, I call it having a moment, and I have them daily. I cannot wish him back, cause I tried, I take out his clothes or shaving kit to trigger the smell of him with the memories. Now I am at the point where I appear normal to others, meaning I don't look like crap, I lost 30 lbs, no desire to eat. But I think I was in shock for weeks, I don't remember much of the first couple months. I asked my councillor if I was off my nut, he said no, so I keep on keepin on. I think the only thing that kept me alive through this has been my children, I am sure I would not have made it without them. At thanks giving I told my daughter who lived with us that I still have some things to be thankful for. And I do. I relive the moments with each day as an anniversary to the year before, and feel cheated. Nothing will ever be like it was, but I know that I have to get my life together so my daughter can heal. I miss him every moment of every day, I cannot change what happened and you are right Vic. I have to take the journey that grief gives me. It's part of him, and a way to somehow come to terms with the loss and finality of his death. It does not make it instantly better and it was worse for a time, but at least I can get through a day without being a zombie. I am coming to 6 months and I want to live, I don't know what will happen because with his death came the realization that your whole life can be destroyed in an instant. I do not have the tools yet to put it together, but at least I am looking for them. I kept a journal, I wrote to him every night, wrote down vivid memories, thoughts, things I would say to him if he was alive. He cannot read it, but its a way to put thoughts into something physical that's for him only. I read back and I cry, and some of the things I wrote make me laugh because he would have laughed. To each of you with loss, wrap yourself in the knowledge that your spouse loved you. let that be some strength that even death cannot take from you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com