Rules For Managing Grief

I've mentioned before that I think Dr LaGrand writes excellent articles on grief and grieving. His most recent article is no exception. I personally have used every single rule, and I can vouch for how much of a difference they have made in my life. As you read them, make a conscious decision to start applying just one of the rules in your life today. That old adage about time healing all wounds only works when you actively do something with that time. Here's what to do:

7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

Grief and loss are inherent parts of life. No one gets off scott free from facing the emotional and physical pain of accepting the death of a loved one. Yet, all too frequently, we maximize our pain out of a lack of insight into the reality of major change and the common problems of adapting to life without the beloved.

Here are seven rules that will help in the challenge to deal with the inevitable changes to be faced and re-orienting to a new and different life.

1. Never allow thoughts to turn into actions without your full consent. Negative thoughts pervade most loss experiences. We tend to look back at what we lose and ahead to all the real and imaginary obstacles that have to be faced. This occurs in an atmosphere of fear and confusion which maximizes our concerns. Then a universal law takes effect: what we focus on expands. In this case, fear grows and the obstacles appear insurmountable. There is nothing wrong with being scared in facing the new and here is how you can deal with it.

Full consent always implies deliberation. Deliberation means reasoned dialogue and thinking. Frequently, get with those you trust to share all concerns and ask for feedback on your thoughts. Let the fear, guilt, or loneliness out. Not easy to do, but the results will be essential in making the right choices and defusing limiting beliefs and fears. Doing the right thing will take courage that you can muster with help from friends. Use them with humility.

2. Be open to new ideas, assumptions, and beliefs. Loss challenges our beliefs about life and death. Grief is a time when reevaluating the way we were taught that life is, usually has to be challenged. There is more to its mystery than our little version. For most, there is a lot to learn, especially in how to accept impermanence.

Big, life-changing events often cause us to examine our values and put things in perspective. Revising beliefs will also bring new meaning to loss and an easier reinvestment in life. In reality, loss is a great teacher of the importance of relationships, humility, and gratitude.

3. Allow failure to be viewed as a normal part of coping well. Accepting failure as a tool for learning always spawns success. Having been utilized for centuries, it is just as true for coping with loss as it has been with some of the greatest inventions.

Be aware that we are programmed early in life to expect immediate success or to feel we are not up to the task. Examining where we make mistakes, and taking action to rectify them, is the road to follow. See failure when grieving as a friend, as part of your education about loss and life.

4. Start reconnecting as soon as possible. Loss and the emotions that accompany it are strong forces of isolation. Isolation especially hinders your ability to adapt and accept the new conditions of existence. Everyone needs a variety of connections; they are surefire lifelines. Do this: strengthen connections to your faith, friends, work, and mission because it is critical to reinvesting in life and developing new routines.

New routines are an absolute must due to the absence of our loved one. Make these new routines into new habits, which is an important key to coping well.

5. Cultivate solitude on a regular basis. Take time out each day just for yourself. This is just as important as building your circle of interpersonal relationships. It is a positive state time leading to comfort, enhanced spirituality, and creative coping with your great loss.

Find a place where you enjoy being alone, a particular room in your home, an area in a park, at the beach, or some other natural setting. Give yourself permission to take a cry break or listen to soothing music. Take a walk by yourself. Meditate. Meditation will reduce your stress and raise your energy level. Give yourself a pep talk. Do what is best for you.

6. Trust your inner knowing. This resource is seldom consciously used. So listen to what your intuition and your body tell you about the choices to be made and the direction to travel. You have wisdom within, if you will take the time to be honest with yourself and listen. Then make yourself take that first difficult step in tackling whatever problem you have to face that day.

When discouraging thoughts start to build take action to stop the downward spiral by asking yourself "What do I need to do right now?" Listen to what comes up from your intuitive treasure, trust it, and reverse your direction. Keep repeating this new action.

7. Make the "D" word the cornerstone of your new life. Determination is a commitment you can make. Talk to yourself and say that you are going to prevail in this difficult adaptation. Write specific inspiring phrases on a 3 by 5 card that you can whip out and read when you start feeling the blues.

Then combine your self-coaching with getting up and moving into another room or going outside when things seem unmanageable. Consider calling a best friend or develop a method (create any affirmation) to interrupt the pattern of thoughts causing discouragement. With conscious determination you can redirect emotion.

All of the above can be worked on, one rule at a time. Remember what was said earlier: what you focus on expands. This not only holds true for fear and negative thoughts. It is just as powerful for visualizing yourself meeting and successfully negotiating a particular problem. It holds true for focusing on a positive memory or a gratitude memory. Those positive events will expand in importance and assist your transition.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

I'll just mention that I read a quote recently, attributed to Gene Simmons of Kiss fame. He talks about being "ruthless" with your thoughts. In reference to the first rule, I found I needed to make a conscious decision to no longer entertain certain thoughts about Deb and my past role as her husband. It has made, and continues to make, a big difference in my life. I hope it does in yours also.

Lingering Grief

As I've written about in the past, I'm a big fan of Dr. Lou LaGrand's work on grief. His articles are always relevant, accurate, and above all, extremely helpful. For tonight's post, I'd like to revisit a topic I hear widow/ers talk about frequently, namely, how long should grieving take? Specifically, if you are well into your second or third year of grief (or more), you may be wondering what is causing your grief to linger. Will this ever end?

In this article, Dr. LaGrand has written about five key concepts that may be holding you back from completing your grief work. If you are looking for an encouragement to help you get "unstuck," this great article may be what you are seeking. Enjoy!

Why Grief Lingers On and On

Grief and grieving is inevitable because we choose to love. And it can be argued that it lingers on and on because we refuse to learn to love in separation and complete a primary task: acceptance of the loss and the many changes demanded.

However, there are a number of old beliefs that we have learned about grief from the authority figures in our lives that have a major impact on the length of time we grieve and the amount of unnecessary suffering we endure. For example, some people believe you must grieve for a year, grieve for the most part in silence after a couple of weeks, and eventually find closure (often interpreted as meaning forget about the deceased) and get on with your life.

Still there are several things in addition to questionable beliefs that tend to prolong and exacerbate the grief process that you can immediately change.

1. You grieve without a goal. Make a full commitment that you will accept the death of your loved one and reinvest in life. Ask yourself the most important question about your grief: Do I want to be loss oriented in my life or restoration oriented? Without the inner commitment to heal—and the actions to back it up—each day will prove to be filled with pain and aimlessly long.


2. You are expecting to be your old self again. Yet you are different. We are all different when someone we love dies because a part of us that related to the loved one in the physical world has also died. We will grow from having known the deceased and build on what we were given, or we will regress and try to live in the past.


3. You are not aware that you are starting a new life. You may have to take on new roles and develop new skills. Your routines will change; some you will retain. Few of us like the new. We like the expected, the security of old routines, many of which have to be given up.


4. You don’t realize its okay to establish a new relationship with the deceased. Our loved ones die but relationships and love live on. There is nothing wrong with talking to or writing to the loved one that died to express your feelings at various times. Though physically gone, depending on your belief system, you can still speak to his/her spirit.


5. You have not found someone you trust to talk to about how you really feel. It is not unusual to have a confidant early in your grieving and months later feel you can’t say what you’re feeling to that person. You may believe you should be “over it” or sense that your friends feel that way. But each grief is one of a kind. You may need more time and someone to talk to.

Although the above five concepts may be behind your extended grieving, keep in mind that grief has no specific time boundaries. Its length varies with the individual. You will know when grief is lessening in your life. But one final awareness to consider: It is normal for grief to revisit. Something you see or hear can bring up a sad memory, even tears, or the wish that the loved one was with you. Perfectly normal. Allow the gift of grief to run its course at that moment.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

No Time For Goodbyes

Tonight I've got another great article by Dr LaGrand about what to do when there was no time to say goodbye. In my case, there was lots of time to say goodbye, but Deb and I never really wanted to discuss it. Looking back, I can see that after Deb died, I did several of the things listed in this article, like writing a goodbye letter and refocusing my thoughts, and I did find that they helped me. I hope they can help you also:

What To Do When Someone Dies And There Was No Time For Goodbyes

Not infrequently, death occurs and surviving family members and friends do not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the loved one who died. Fatal automobile accidents and heart attacks, hurricanes, murders, and many other unexpected events are the catalysts for much anxiety and deeply felt grief.

Many survivors are guilt ridden when in fact there is clearly no outward cause for such guilt. They did nothing wrong. Yet, unexpected death often wipes out our ability to see that we did not create the circumstances to cause the emotion being experienced.

Sometimes dying people choose to die when those close to them are not present in order to spare them additional pain. Also, it is not uncommon for a person to die in a hospital or hospice setting when a family member is rushing to get there. All of the pain of these events is maximized by the thought of not being with the person at the end.

So what can be done to reduce emotional pain and provide support in the face of deep sadness? Plenty. One or more of the following can prove helpful.

• Say goodbye in a private setting. I often tell those who are mourning the death of a loved one that there is nothing wrong with talking to the person who has died. It is a successful coping response used by millions of people and a meaningful way to say goodbye. Find a quiet room in your home, place a picture or other symbol of the loved one across from you, and say whatever you need to say. Explain why you were not there, why you are sorry, and that your love will always be with the person. If you believe in an afterlife, ask the person to send you a sign that they have heard you and are okay.


• Be sure to go to the funeral service and the viewing of the body. The funeral is traditionally the time and place where you get to say goodbye to the person who died
  (something all children should be told). It can especially be your informal opportunity to say your goodbyes. If you are unable to attend the scheduled service time or showing, then find someone to go with you at another time when you can view the deceased.
  
  It is very important for you, especially on an unconscious level, to have seen the person who died.


• Write your goodbyes in your diary or a letter. Writing thoughts and descriptions of feelings can provide a profound emotional and physical release. Write as though you are speaking directly to your loved one and be specific. Put an I Love You in it, and that you will never forget the person. When you are burdened by your thoughts of not having said goodbye, reread what you have written. You may also want to add something else to your writing at this time.


• Write or paste messages to the loved one on a biodegradable helium-filled balloon for release. This can be a wonderful opportunity for a ritual of goodbye as you watch the balloon ascend into the sky. It will give you a planned occasion to think of your loved one if you are alone or discuss memories of the loved one if it is a group or family ritual.
  
  Be sure you purchase a biodegradable balloon as others are very damaging to wildlife and the environment.


• Learn to refocus your attention and thoughts. When guilt and anxiety arise over the unintended event of not being able to say goodbye, an important survival skill involves immediately refocusing your attention. First, believe that the loved one understands your inability to say goodbye and would not hold a grudge. Then divert your awareness to a pleasant memory of the deceased or visualize her forgiving you. Change what is happening in the moment. This technique takes practice but it is a powerful coping response to develop and can be used for dealing with many other unwanted thoughts.

These approaches for dealing with not being able to say goodbye have a common goal: the acceptance of one of the sad events often associated with the death of a loved one. In the final analysis, each person has the ability to say a belated goodbye, let go of anxiety, recognize that separations without goodbye happen often, and start on the road of reinvesting in life.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena). His website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

Healing Through Writing

I've written before about the usefulness of journaling during grief, but there are other forms of writing that you can employ. I wrote early on that writing a long letter to Deb using the format in The Grief Recovery Handbook proved to be a major milestone in my grieving. I'm sure that at some level writing this blog is helpful as well, even though I'm writing this more for the benefit of others as opposed to myself.

What writing should you consider?

The more I read Dr LaGrande's work, the more impressed I am. Here's another of his excellent articles, this one specifically about what to write and why. Once you've finished reading it, please consider taking 30 seconds and writing a comment on my blog ;-) Thanks!

Why You Should Write When Mourning
Writing is a form of self-expression that can be a major factor in how you cope with the death of your loved one. This can be especially important as a supplement to having a small support system or if you live alone. It may also be a special skill you possess that can give you additional satisfaction when expressing yourself.

On the other hand, anyone can write. You don't have to be a good writer or speller to use writing as a potent tool to cope with the death of a loved one. Nor do you have to write a lot each time you sit down with pen in hand. Simply write what you feel at the time is the basic rule.

So why is it important for you to consider writing as a coping technique? Think about the following.

1. Writing consistently leads to healing. It helps you obtain and understand new insights and ideas that often surface when alone and in a contemplative mode. It can jar your memory. You may discover a tinge of anger, hidden resentment, or even clarify some of your guilt feelings.

2. Writing a letter to the deceased loved one can be an excellent way to finish unfinished business. Many people have written about their sorrow over not having been with the loved one at the moment of death or for things that were said in haste. Others write to tell of their love and concern.

3. Write to the person who has been most faithful and understanding of your needs. It can also be therapeutic to tell your best friend or family member in writing how much you appreciate all that has been done and that you love him/her. Be sure to give specific illustrations of how their support was comforting.

4. Write a letter to God. Ask for assistance in trying to find meaning in the death of your loved one, which is an important task in dealing with your grief. You may wish to ask for a sign that your loved one is okay or for the courage and strength to make the adjustment to life without the physical presence of the loved one.

5. Consider a daily diary. You may want to consider starting a daily diary where you record and reflect on your day, and the most difficult as well as the most helpful things that occurred. Daily writing can be especially useful as you look back over earlier entries and realize how far you have come in your efforts to adjust.

6. List the inspirational and loving statements that you can remember your loved one saying. As you review your life and relationship with the loved one, writing down key phrases or ideas that were spoken can give much information to mull over with regard to how you would like to keep his/her memory alive in your life.

7. Write to clarify your goals. You can also write out the way you will deal with certain issues associated with reinvesting in life. Developing a plan to deal with your new life (the concept of a new life is an important one to adopt) can give you needed direction and a sense of accomplishment. It can be especially useful to make a "to do" list at the close of each day as a guide for the following day. This structure is also useful in limiting the time spent on focusing only on your loss.

It is critical to understand that the more attention you give to your loss the more power you give it to dominate life. Since the grief process is a series of making choices, at some point in your mourning it becomes essential to decide whether you will be continuously loss oriented or restoration oriented. Loving in separation and reinvesting in life are not mutually exclusive. Together they are part of moving forward.

Through trial and error decide when it is best for you to write. Some like to do it in the morning, others before they retire for the day. By using writing as an outlet for your thoughts and feelings, it will also help physically because every thought and emotion affects you at the cellular level as well. You will never forget your beloved, and writing will insure that this is so.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

I wasn't planning on posting another entry from The Grief Blog tonight, but when I saw this one, I just knew it would speak to so many of you who are newly bereaved or within that first critical year. If you have ever felt guilty about feeling good now that your spouse is dead, you need to read this article! You'll be glad you did.

How to Be Kind to Yourself When Mourning

Have you forgotten all about your physical needs since the death of your loved one? Perhaps you have lost all interest in life. Are you afraid to focus your attention on anything other than the deceased, because you believe to do so means you are being disrespectful?

Forgetting the self and thinking that any form of enjoyment when grieving is wrong, causes millions of mourners unnecessary suffering. The beliefs that fuel these behaviors exist and are reinforced based on a lack of information about the nature of the grief process.

Grieving is arduous mental and physical work; it affects every organ and system in the body. Most important to understand is that what you think about, and the way you perceive the death of your loved one, is a major stressor. Early on stress is overlooked. As the days wear on, constant stress begins to take its toll in confusion, lack of sleep, colds, headaches, and digestive disturbances.

If you fail to take systematic breaks from your grief, eventually the stress of mourning will force you to the sidelines. Here are some ways to be kind to yourself, maintain your health, and minimize the chances of extending your grief work.

1. Kindness to yourself begins with the intention to change your old beliefs that you can't enjoy yourself at any time when grieving. Your natural inclinations will be to fight changing these beliefs. But give yourself a break; you are not betraying your loved one. Each day plan a time, or if you prefer, when you feel the need, excuse yourself for self-nurturance. Refuse to deny yourself. What can you do?

2. Go to your private place. Choose a place in your home where you can be free of the noise of others talking and the telephone ringing. Too much time with others during the day can limit the time you need alone to consider certain aspects of the death and your grief without interruptions.

Here is where restoration through meditation, music, solitude, or rest will replenish the severe energy drain associated with grieving (fear, anger, guilt, and depression consume enormous amounts of energy). If you are unable to be alone early on, for whatever reason, then ask a friend to be with you as you take your respite.

3. Be kind to yourself with the benefits of beauty. Go to a beautiful area near your home. Whenever the opportunity arises, and you see a beautiful picture, tree, body of water, or scene, use it as a signal that a power greater than the self is saying, pause and enjoy. Beauty is a powerful stress reducer and healer. Focus all of your attention on it. Your body will benefit greatly from this mental relaxation and it is perfectly okay to redirect your attention in this way.

4. At appropriate times-whatever you deem appropriate is appropriate-immerse yourself in loving memories that include (or may not) your loved one. Think of times when you felt loved. Go over the details of the place, people involved, what was said, and what was given or received. Think of what was learned at those times and how you might be able to give to others the insights you received. Love will get you through your great loss.

5. Be kind to yourself by putting off major decisions. Immediately selling your home, car, or getting away from the reminders of life with your loved one, can add to your burden, if they are done too soon. They can easily turn into additional losses for you as time goes on and you look back on what was given up. If possible, give yourself a year to consider big moves or decisions. Be sure to consult friends, experts, and family for input. Then make a decision based on what you want.

6. Take some time to read, not only books by others who have dealt with loss, but well thought of authors like Thomas Moore, Henri Nouwen, Wayne Dyer, and others who can give you new ideas and help in the important search for meaning. You may not be able to read anything early in your grief. However, as the weeks go on, ask friends, clergy, and librarians for recommendations. You will be surprised at the wealth of material that will help you to heal.

7. Give your self-compassion and nurturing time a name because it is a big deal. It is part of healthy adjustment to major loss. Call it "My Time" or "Be Kind to Me Hour" (or for 30 minutes). Find a catchy name and look forward to it as something you deserve, as you do.

Then make it a habit to take a stroll to your favorite coffee shop, whether a Mobil station or a Starbucks. The exercise alone can be very useful as an outlet for tension and anxiety. Give a warm hello to the person behind the counter. Human contact is a must.

In summary, starting a new routine like those recommended above, or making up one of your own, is a critical factor in readjustment. Remember it is a big deal-part of your new life to start little routines that bring you enjoyment and contact with others. Self-nurturance is your right and obligation when doing your grief work.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counsellor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

New Directions

In my recent Memories Are Not what They Seem post, I theorized that we feel pain in grief as a signal to change our thoughts, behaviors, and habits. I found the following great article on The Grief Blog which corroborates my theory, as well as gives some excellent advice on considering new roads to take on this journey. I think you will find it helpful:

Learn the Biggest Lesson Grief and Loss Offers

The death of a loved one and the grief that follows teach many lessons. Perhaps the most important one is that pain is the sign to take a new road in life. This is a double barrelled lesson. First, we often have to decide to do some things we have not thought of previously-or ever attempted before. And secondly, of equal importance, the key to advancement into our new world (that is, our adaptation to the loss) is the necessity to take action.

Accepting the new and taking action are crucial learnings; they are also difficult to embrace. New direction takes many forms in the grief process. Here are five to consider that others have had to deal with in their journey through grief. You too, may well have to deal with one or more of them.

1. Grief and loss frequently demands the development of new routines. In death, divorce, or loss of friendships survivors usually have to assume new responsibilities which may have belonged to their partner or friend who is no longer there. New routines, often difficult to institute, are significant coping responses to establish. The sooner the better, because they eventually help bring stability to a life that has changed through loss.

2. Grief and loss may say: change the way you perceive the world. Perceptions are the personal meaning we give to experience. Perhaps you may have to find new meanings. The world is no longer a totally happy place to be, but one in which pain must be accepted as part of the fabric of life. This is a very normal response, especially if this is the first time you have had to deal with a major loss.

3. Grief and loss sometimes implies the adoption of new beliefs. Beliefs affect every facet of your response to loss. One of the most critical new beliefs to ponder is that with most losses-if not all-the key message is take a different road, a new approach, or access in order to adapt and reinvest in life. This is a big stumbling block for many as we don't like to give up our old ways and do the distasteful.

One of the new considerations I suggest to most who are mourning the death of a loved one is that they are entering a new life, the next chapter. And, what does that mean you must do?

4. Grief and loss may point to the development of new relationships. Widows and widowers usually lose their connections to other couples in their social circle. Yet, everyone needs interpersonal relationships of the right type and number.

Deepening the relationships you already have by meeting more regularly with friends could be called for. Developing connections at your church or synagogue or with relatives that you do not regularly see is another avenue. What is clear is that such strong relationships promote health and longevity.

5. Grief and loss often results in the needed development of new skills and abilities. Sometimes certain skills are necessary in order to take a new job. At other times, it may be out of necessity: either learn how to fix the leak in the faucet or toilet tank or pay a hefty bill from the local plumber. Sometimes it's as simple as learning how to pump your own gas. Many times it's learning to do the taxes and manage financial records.

To summarize, don't ignore the biggest lesson grief and loss teaches: pain signals to take a new road or you stay longer in pain. Look for those who have dealt with the kind of loss you are experiencing or who are experts in helping the bereaved. Learn from their wisdom and experience regarding where you need to take action on your new road.

We all, at various times, have to do what we dislike doing. However, take comfort in the fact that the history of loss shows that mourners do adjust to their new path and are able to finally reinvest in life.

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Dr. LaGrand is a grief counsellor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com