Grieving a Sudden Death

In my last post, I shared some Eastern wisdom from Sogyal Rinpoche's great book, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I really enjoyed reading it, if for no other reason than that it gave me an entirely new perspective on death. I find that Western grief books almost always tell you that grief is forever, that you will always be grieving to some degree. In the Eastern tradition, however, the approach to grief is noticeably different — we can learn to let go of our dead spouse and go on with living.

Tonight's post will be about grieving a sudden death. While Deb's death was far from sudden, I have now met a good number of widow/ers whose spouse did die suddenly. Sogyal shares some important grieving advice which will hopefully help you to heal more quickly:

[from pages 312-313]:

Facing loss alone in our society is very different. And all the usual feelings of grief are magnified intensely in the case of a sudden death, or a suicide. It reinforces the sense that the bereaved is powerless in any way to help their loved one who is gone. It is very important for survivors of sudden death to go and see the body, otherwise it can be difficult to realize that death has actually happened. If possible, people should sit quietly by the body, to say what they need to, express their love, and start to say goodbye.

If this is not possible, bring out a photo of the person who has just died and begin the process of saying goodbye, completing the relationship, and letting go. Encourage those who have suffered the sudden death of a loved one to do this, and it will help them to accept the new, searing reality of death. Tell them too of these ways I've been describing of helping a dead person, simple ways they too can use, instead of sitting hopelessly going over again and again the moment of death in silent frustration and self-recrimination.

In the case of a sudden death, the survivors may often experience wild and unfamiliar feelings of anger at what they see as the cause of the death. Help them express that anger, because if it is held inside, sooner or later it will plunge them into a chronic depression. Help them to let go of the anger and uncover the depths of pain that hide behind it. Then they can begin the painful but ultimately healing task of letting go.

It happens often too that someone is left after the death of a loved one feeling intense guilt, obsessively reviewing mistakes in the past relationship, or torturing themselves about what they might have done to prevent the death. Help them to talk about their feelings of guilt, however irrational and crazy they may seem. Slowly these feelings will diminish, and they will come to forgive themselves and go on with their lives.

I'll finish up tonight's post with another quick excerpt from the book, this time dealing with the perspective of grief as a gift. All too often we experience grief as some terrible emotion that we just want to get rid of at all costs. Perhaps the following perspective can help you change this desire to run away from grief. I healed a tremendous amount when I wanted to find out what lay on the other side of grief:

[from page 316]:

You may even come to feel mysteriously grateful toward your suffering, because it gives you such an opportunity of working through it and transforming it. Without it you would never have been able to discover that hidden in the nature and depths of suffering is a treasure of bliss. The times when you are suffering can be those when you are most open, and where you are extremely vulnerable can be where your greatest strength really lies.

Say to yourself then: "I am not going to run away from this suffering. I want to use it in the best and richest way I can, so that I can become more compassionate and more helpful to others." Suffering, after all, can teach us about compassion. If you suffer you will know how it is when others suffer. And if you are in a position to help others, it is through your suffering that you will find the understanding and compassion to do so.

So whatever you do, don't shut off your pain; accept your pain and remain vulnerable. However desperate you become, accept your pain as it is, because it is in fact trying to hand you a priceless gift: the chance of discovering, through spiritual practice, what lies behind sorrow. "Grief," Rumi wrote, "can be the garden of compassion." If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom.

And don't we know, only too well, that protection from pain doesn't work, and that when we try to defend ourselves from suffering, we only suffer more and don't learn what we can from the experience? As Rilke wrote, the protected heart that is "never exposed to loss, innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness; only the won-back heart can ever be satisfied: free, through all it has given up, to rejoice in its mastery."

In my grief work, I wanted to learn what grief had to show me, and I only wanted to learn it once! Over time, I was able to look at grief as a friend and companion; an experience to be embraced, not a torment to be endured.

Grief Experienced Dissolves

Tonight's post will be a little different in that it is geared both towards the bereaved and people who wish to help the bereaved. One of the most popular articles on this blog is How To Help A New Widow Or Widower, so I'd like to expand on that article a bit with some help from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I find that Sogyal Rinpoche has some very compassionate things to say to widows and widowers, and I feel it is important to share bereavement tips from an Eastern tradition. So, without further ado:

[from pages 311-312]:

A person who is going through bereavement for the first time may simply be shattered by the array of disturbing feelings, of intense sadness, anger, denial, withdrawal, and guilt that they suddenly find are playing havoc inside them. Helping those who have just gone through the loss of someone close to them will call for all your patience and sensitivity. You will need to spend time with them and to let them talk, to listen silently without judgment as they recall their most private memories, or go over again and again the details of the death. Above all, you will need simply to be there with them as they experience what is probably the fiercest sadness and pain of their entire lives. Make sure you make yourself available to them at all times, even when they don't seem to need it. Carol, a widow, was interviewed for a video series on death one year after her husband had died. "When you look back on the last year," she was asked, "who would you say had helped you the most?" She said: "The people who kept calling and coming by, even though I said 'no.'"

People who are grieving go through a kind of death. Just like a person who is actually dying, they need to know that the disturbing emotions they are feeling are natural. They need to know too that the process of mourning is a long and often tortuous one, where grief returns again and again in cycles. Their shock and numbness and disbelief will fade, and will be replaced by a deep and at times desperate awareness of the immensity of their loss, which itself will settle eventually into a state of recovery and balance. Tell them that this is a pattern that will repeat itself over and over again, month after month, and that all their unbearable feelings and fears, of being unable to function as a human being any more, are normal. Tell them that although it may take one year or two, their grief will definitely reach an end and be transformed into acceptance.

As Judy Tatelbaum says:

Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work through and complete grief means to face our feelings openly and honestly, to express and release our feelings fully and to tolerate and accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to heal. We fear that once acknowledged grief will bowl us over. The truth is that grief experienced does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is grief that lasts indefinitely.

But so often, tragically, friends and family of the bereaved person expect them to be "back to normal" after a few months. This only intensifies their bewilderment and isolation as their grief continues, and sometimes even deepens.

In my next post, I'll share some of Sogyal's advice for people who have experienced sudden death.

I'll just reiterate how important it is to find a local bereavement support group and attend regularly. Such a group is probably your best bet for finding people who will listen "silently without judgment" as you go over your memories and details of the death.

Rules For Managing Grief

I've mentioned before that I think Dr LaGrand writes excellent articles on grief and grieving. His most recent article is no exception. I personally have used every single rule, and I can vouch for how much of a difference they have made in my life. As you read them, make a conscious decision to start applying just one of the rules in your life today. That old adage about time healing all wounds only works when you actively do something with that time. Here's what to do:

7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

Grief and loss are inherent parts of life. No one gets off scott free from facing the emotional and physical pain of accepting the death of a loved one. Yet, all too frequently, we maximize our pain out of a lack of insight into the reality of major change and the common problems of adapting to life without the beloved.

Here are seven rules that will help in the challenge to deal with the inevitable changes to be faced and re-orienting to a new and different life.

1. Never allow thoughts to turn into actions without your full consent. Negative thoughts pervade most loss experiences. We tend to look back at what we lose and ahead to all the real and imaginary obstacles that have to be faced. This occurs in an atmosphere of fear and confusion which maximizes our concerns. Then a universal law takes effect: what we focus on expands. In this case, fear grows and the obstacles appear insurmountable. There is nothing wrong with being scared in facing the new and here is how you can deal with it.

Full consent always implies deliberation. Deliberation means reasoned dialogue and thinking. Frequently, get with those you trust to share all concerns and ask for feedback on your thoughts. Let the fear, guilt, or loneliness out. Not easy to do, but the results will be essential in making the right choices and defusing limiting beliefs and fears. Doing the right thing will take courage that you can muster with help from friends. Use them with humility.

2. Be open to new ideas, assumptions, and beliefs. Loss challenges our beliefs about life and death. Grief is a time when reevaluating the way we were taught that life is, usually has to be challenged. There is more to its mystery than our little version. For most, there is a lot to learn, especially in how to accept impermanence.

Big, life-changing events often cause us to examine our values and put things in perspective. Revising beliefs will also bring new meaning to loss and an easier reinvestment in life. In reality, loss is a great teacher of the importance of relationships, humility, and gratitude.

3. Allow failure to be viewed as a normal part of coping well. Accepting failure as a tool for learning always spawns success. Having been utilized for centuries, it is just as true for coping with loss as it has been with some of the greatest inventions.

Be aware that we are programmed early in life to expect immediate success or to feel we are not up to the task. Examining where we make mistakes, and taking action to rectify them, is the road to follow. See failure when grieving as a friend, as part of your education about loss and life.

4. Start reconnecting as soon as possible. Loss and the emotions that accompany it are strong forces of isolation. Isolation especially hinders your ability to adapt and accept the new conditions of existence. Everyone needs a variety of connections; they are surefire lifelines. Do this: strengthen connections to your faith, friends, work, and mission because it is critical to reinvesting in life and developing new routines.

New routines are an absolute must due to the absence of our loved one. Make these new routines into new habits, which is an important key to coping well.

5. Cultivate solitude on a regular basis. Take time out each day just for yourself. This is just as important as building your circle of interpersonal relationships. It is a positive state time leading to comfort, enhanced spirituality, and creative coping with your great loss.

Find a place where you enjoy being alone, a particular room in your home, an area in a park, at the beach, or some other natural setting. Give yourself permission to take a cry break or listen to soothing music. Take a walk by yourself. Meditate. Meditation will reduce your stress and raise your energy level. Give yourself a pep talk. Do what is best for you.

6. Trust your inner knowing. This resource is seldom consciously used. So listen to what your intuition and your body tell you about the choices to be made and the direction to travel. You have wisdom within, if you will take the time to be honest with yourself and listen. Then make yourself take that first difficult step in tackling whatever problem you have to face that day.

When discouraging thoughts start to build take action to stop the downward spiral by asking yourself "What do I need to do right now?" Listen to what comes up from your intuitive treasure, trust it, and reverse your direction. Keep repeating this new action.

7. Make the "D" word the cornerstone of your new life. Determination is a commitment you can make. Talk to yourself and say that you are going to prevail in this difficult adaptation. Write specific inspiring phrases on a 3 by 5 card that you can whip out and read when you start feeling the blues.

Then combine your self-coaching with getting up and moving into another room or going outside when things seem unmanageable. Consider calling a best friend or develop a method (create any affirmation) to interrupt the pattern of thoughts causing discouragement. With conscious determination you can redirect emotion.

All of the above can be worked on, one rule at a time. Remember what was said earlier: what you focus on expands. This not only holds true for fear and negative thoughts. It is just as powerful for visualizing yourself meeting and successfully negotiating a particular problem. It holds true for focusing on a positive memory or a gratitude memory. Those positive events will expand in importance and assist your transition.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

I'll just mention that I read a quote recently, attributed to Gene Simmons of Kiss fame. He talks about being "ruthless" with your thoughts. In reference to the first rule, I found I needed to make a conscious decision to no longer entertain certain thoughts about Deb and my past role as her husband. It has made, and continues to make, a big difference in my life. I hope it does in yours also.

Moving Toward Grief

The Western world is not a culture where grieving is well understood, let alone tolerated. I've heard of bereaved people going back to work 3 days after losing their spouse to be greeted by their boss saying, "well, you've had three days off, so you should be well over your grief by now." How people go back to work after 3 days is beyond me! I took a month off, and I probably should have taken more time. Ah well. Should-a, could-a, would-a, didn't-a!

It turns out that our modern culture of "get over grief fast" has very ancient roots, dating back to the Stoics. It is a myth that does not serve us well at all. Dr Alan D. Wolfelt talks about this bad advice in his book, Understanding Grief. He explains that grief is a collection of feelings that we need to experience, not a handicap that we must overcome.

When I became a widower, I did not know how to grieve, nor did I feel that I needed to. Deb had been sick with terminal cancer for 16 months before she died, and I felt I had done all my grieving during that time. What I found was that this myth of needing to get over grief fast helped me prolong my initial mourning by about 5 months. It wasn't until I started crying everywhere that I bothered learning what grief was and how to experience it.

Dr Wolfelt has some very good advice on how to counter this popular notion of grief. In my experience, it wasn't until I followed this kind of advice and faced my grief head-on that I began to heal. Read on:

[from pages 11-12]:

Myth #3: Move away from grief, not toward it.

Our Society often encourages prematurely moving away from grief instead of toward it. The result is that too many bereaved people either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from their grief through various means.

During ancient times, stoic philosophers encouraged their followers not to mourn, believing that self-control was the appropriate response to sorrow. Today, well-intentioned, but uninformed, relatives and friends still carry on this longheld tradition. While the outward expression of grief is a requirement for healing, to overcome society's powerful message which encourages repression can be difficult.

As a counselor, I am often asked, "How long should grief last?" This question directly relates to our culture's impatience with grief and the desire to move people away from the experience of mourning. Shortly after the death, for example, the bereaved are expected to "be back to normal."

Bereaved persons who continue to express grief outwardly are often viewed as "weak," "crazy," or "self-pitying." The subtle message is "shape up and get on with life." The reality is disturbing: far too many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced.

These messages, unfortunately, encourage you to repress thoughts and feelings surrounding the death. By doing so, you may refuse to cry. And refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and "being strong" are often considered admirable behaviors. Many people have internalized society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly. and efficiently. Don't let this happen to you.

After the death of someone loved, you also may respond to the question "How are you?" with the benign response "Im fine." In essence, though, you are saying to the world, "I'm not mourning." Friends, family and co-workers may encourage this stance. Why? Because they don't want to talk about the death. So if you demonstrate an absence of mourning behavior, it tends to be more socially acceptable.

This collaborative pretense about mourning, however, does not meet your needs as a bereaved person. When your grief is ignored or minimized, you will feel further isolated in your journey. Ultimately. you will experience the onset of the "Am I going crazy?" syndrome. To mask or move away from your grief creates anxiety, confusion, and depression. If you receive little or no social recognition related to your pain, you will probably begin to fear that your thoughts and feelings are abnormal.

Remember — society will often encourage you to prematurely move away from your grief. You must continually remind yourself that leaning toward the pain will facilitate the eventual healing.

Once I started acutely grieving at around six months out, I was acutely aware of society's disapproval and wish that I would be over my grief. However, I knew that I needed to grieve, and if the world wasn't going to support me, at least I could support myself. And when I wished that society would be more supportive of me, I kept in mind a quote attributed by Ghandi:

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Get Quiet

Tonight I have another post about dealing with change. Ariane de Bonvoisin explains that, to avoid getting lost along the journey we now find ourselves on, we need to "connect with the core of our being, the essence of who we are." I was originally going to post this about a week ago, but I felt strongly that I needed to post the short series on anxiety first.

I have often heard widow/ers express a fear about allowing themselves to grieve — that if they allow themselves to grieve fully, it will overwhelm them and they won't be able to stop. I learned from The Sedona Method that the opposite is true. When I tried to probe the bottom of my grief and despair, I found that it eluded me. I'll post more about that another time, but I wanted to put you at ease as we look tonight at getting in touch with the core of our being:

The First 30 Days

We all have things we turn to. Perhaps it's meditation, prayer, a belief in the law of attraction, or visualization. Or maybe it's a connection to nature, a certain type of calming music, or a creative outlet like writing or painting. Whatever it is, it will help you during times of change by allowing you to connect to who you really are.

Even during the most dramatic change, there is always a place within us that is calm, collected, and comfortable, that knows how to cope with change. This part of ourselves doesn't fluctuate when circumstances are changing all around us. For most of us, it's something we call our higher self, our soul, or our connection to the Divine or God.

During times of change, most of us crave understanding. We want to make sense of the seeming chaos around us. The place I'm speaking of, though, I call inner-standing. It's the part of you that is calm and wise, that accepts things as they are. That part of you is eternal, unchanging; it is whole and complete, and you can't get rid of it no matter how hard you try. Connecting to this inner place means aligning with the person you were before the change, during the change, and after the change. It's about remembering who you are.

Peace and Quiet

No matter what change or transition is going on, no matter what decision you need to make, find some time to be alone and silent. Often we are looking for more peace in our lives, but we don't do what we need to do to make it happen. So many times our higher self tries to give us answers or solutions, but with all our busyness, we can never stop to reflect. This is why meditation has become so popular in our culture today: Although you may think of meditation as passive, it is in fact an active way of creating time in the day to connect with the deeper part of yourself. Meditation stops your resistance to change by allowing you to find the relationship between the little you and the bigger you and to remind yourself that you are exactly where you need to be. When you get quiet you'll see that life knows what's happening.

There are many different forms of meditation, but at its core all meditation is the practice of taking a few minutes a day to stop and do absolutely nothing. No phone calls, e-mails, computers, talking, eating, television . . . nothing. Slow down the engine that runs your mind, and take time to focus on the engine that runs your body: When you simply acknowledge your breath - breathing in and out - you are tapping into your life force. Just allow everything to be exactly as it is. Sometimes, it feels good just to hang out in God's waiting room!

Isn't it extraordinary how much we fight the idea of being quiet? What are we afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? Who could come out and hurt us? What are we avoiding? There are few things more essential than taking five to ten minutes a day to find your center; it will help you handle anything going on in your life. Just be quiet. Nearly every religion encourages silence and solitude. Remember: whenever we lose something external during change, we always have the chance to regain an inner home.

In my case, I actually attended a free 10 day silent meditation course, and it absolutely helped me get in touch with the core of my being. I learned how to be totally at peace with Deb's death. And I learned valuable skills that I use every day. I highly recommend it.

Avoiding Grief

Avoidance.

You know what I'm talking about if you've been bereaved for any length of time. In our anxiety as a new widow/er, we often use avoidance as a common coping mechanism. We would rather avoid our anxiety than deal with it. And don't get me wrong — in the early months of grieving, grief avoidance is probably a good thing. In fact, it can often make the difference between getting through the next five minutes and totally losing it. But eventually, we need to stare our anxiety in the face if we ever want to heal. By avoiding grief, we passively let our anxiety run our body. Whatever direction it takes us, it isn't a healing one.

In my "rollercoaster" series, I quote from a great book called MindOS™ - "The Operating System of the Human Mind" by Dr Paul Dobransky. He does a fantastic job of making sense of our bewildering emotions. If you've ever wondered how to deal with anxiety, this is one post you'll want to pay close attention to.

To recap from The Rollercoaster III: anxiety is a signal to which there are only three possible responses — courage, worrying/complaining/victim thinking, or impulsiveness. Avoidance fits in to the impulsiveness response.


I'll let Dr Paul take it from here [pages 183-187]:

Anxiety is not good or bad. Just like anger, it is a SIGNAL. It tells you something is wrong and needs to be done. If you recall, anger signals you that you have unmet needs. Well anxiety signals you that you have fears, challenges, change or risk to face and rise to...

When we are passive with our anxiety and don’t like to make decisions, it likes to “go on autopilot” and is run by the “fight-or-flight” reflex. This reflex makes us either impulsive or avoidant of things we need to face. When there is an anxiety or fear to be faced, our “gut” tendency is to either want to RUN from it to avoid it, or else to attack it impulsively without thinking first.


We need this “fight-or-flight” reflex though for one situation, and one only: SURVIVAL! Yet most of the time, we are NOT under a real threat to our lives. So what happens when we are passive with anxiety? The reflex STILL drives us to be impulsive — to act without thinking — and we overeat, overspend, get addicted, and a host of other behaviors that ironically ARE a threat on our life if we do them enough!

...We overeat, overspend, get overworked, get addicted to drugs, alcohol, or medicines of abuse as unconscious ways of lowering our anxiety through spending it on these physical activities. They are all temporary fixes that lower our anxiety, but if the original sources of that anxiety are still present — loss or fear of loss, or lack of confidence about a particular aspect of life, then we see a rise of anxiety again soon after indulging our addiction....

Allow ourselves to feel the anxiety and then THINK about it. Feelings CAN’T hurt us or cause us more loss, only real threats can...

If I STOP to THINK BEFORE ACTING, I can get in touch with this valuable signal called anxiety — turn the arrow UP. Notice how the Anger Map and Anxiety Map have some opposite properties — anger turned inward causes depression, but anxiety turned inward instead of into immediate action leads to personal growth!

Actively dealing with our anxiety leaves us with two options: courage or worrying and complaining. In my next post, I'll explain what's really going on when we worry and/or complain.

Understanding Grief

I wrote last month about memories from a western perspective. In that post, I referred to a great book by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt called Understanding Grief. Tonight I'd like to quote a bit from the introduction to that book.

For the first six months after Deb died, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I knew there was this thing called "grief" that I was supposed to do, but, having no prior experience with the death of anyone close to me, I had no frame of reference for understanding what grief was. I remember distinctly wondering, "what is grief, anyway?"

Dr. Wolfelt does an excellent job in his book of explaining, in a clear and concise way, exactly what grief is and how to complete that process. If you are newly bereaved, this book may provide some much needed answers at this bewildering time.

[from pages viii and ix]:

What Is This Wound Called Grief?

"Grief Work" may be some of the hardest work you ever do. Healing in grief is not a passive event. It is an active process. Because grief is work, it calls on your emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual energy. You cannot skirt the outside edges of your grief; you must go directly through it.

Please do not try to embrace your grief alone. You need fellow companions who will bring you comfort and support. My experience suggests trying to do grief work alone can be overwhelming. A useful analogy is as follows:

When you go out on a sunny day, the bright sunlight on your unprotected eyes creates stress. It makes seeing difficult. Sunglasses help filter out the harmful sunrays. Maybe you can think of the stress of your grief in just that way. If you respond to the stress of the death of someone loved alone, or without sunglasses, you may be overwhelmed. But if you accept the help of other people, just like putting on the sunglasses, your work of mourning will be accomplished more easily, and with less damage to yourself.

[from pages 1 and 2]:

Perhaps you have already heard the statement, "With time, you will feel better." The feelings of grief you experience when someone loved dies are sometimes described as "emotions that heal themselves." Yet, time alone has nothing to do with healing. To heal, you must be willing to commit to learning about and understanding the grief process.

When forced to confront the death of someone loved, you must become an active participant in your own healing. But in this culture, you are often left to your own resources at the very time those resources are the most depleted.

Another disappointing reality is that you may have little, if any, preparation for a new life as a bereaved person. In the crisis of grieving, you may even fail to give yourself permission to mourn, and you will usually not receive that permission from other people...

Grief is not a disease. No "quick fix" exists for the pain you are enduring. But I promise that if you can think, feel, and see yourself as an "active participant" in your healing, you will experience a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

To be human means coming to know loss as part of your life. Many losses, or "little griefs," occur along life's path. And not all your losses are as painful as others; they do not always disconnect you from yourself. But the death of someone you have loved is likely to leave you feeling disconnected from both yourself and the outside world.

Based on my own experience, that last paragraph is especially true. Now that I have successfully passed through the desert of grief, I can see more easily and readily the many "little griefs" that I pass through on a daily basis. But now, I have a wealth of tools and skills to help me navigate through those losses with an ease that eluded me before I was bereaved. If you are in the depths of intense grief, it is helpful to know that the skills you are acquiring now will become extremely useful and helpful in the days and years ahead. The day will come when you will be very thankful to have these tools you are now paying for so dearly.

Withdrawal

I was recently asked to provide a source for a comment I made about how intense grief can be eerily similar to heroin withdrawal symptoms. As it turns out, I wrote about this back in November in a post titled A Bad Trip. I figured it wouldn't be too hard to find another good reference in Google, and sure enough, I found another neat resource in the form of one Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life.

She has a website called AbandonmentRecovery.com, and she explains a bit more about this physiological phenomenon:

WITHDRAWL - painful Withdrawal from your lost love.
The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin withdrawal — each involves the body's opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation — the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

She also wrote a very good paper on Suffering the Death of a Loved One, and I'd like to quote a few more sections that help to explain these withdrawal symptoms a bit better.

As the Novocain wore off, the acute pain of loss began to break through, and we went into withdrawal. We were in painful withdrawal from our partner, just as if we were in withdrawal from Heroin (and it involves the body’s own opiates). We began craving and yearning for a love-fix we could not possibly get.

Week by week, our emotional needs – the ones that had been met by our partners – began to mount. We grew to miss them more and more. We missed having someone in the background, someone who cared, someone to care about, someone to come home to, someone to bring us that cup of coffee, someone who would know if we fell in the shower, someone to serve as a focus for our lives. As these deprivations reached critical mass, the intense grieving could become nearly unbearable.

Weeping:

We found ourselves weeping – a kind of crying specific to early bereavement, characterized by sighing and flowing tears, different from our usual crying . Our emotional brains were automatically scanning our memory banks (searching for the lost object) – an involuntary function of the brain which is part and parcel of our stress response to crisis – flooding us with scenes from all the way to the beginning of the relationship. Our coupled histories passing before our eyes in a blur of tears. We remembered them as they we (and as we were) when we first met them, the initial romance. These memories (along with the intense yearning and pining) caused us to fall in love with our partners all over again and want them more than ever before. We became walking memorials to them...

As my group mates and I cycled through the tugging, craving, helpless feelings of withdrawal, we helped each other realize that we weren’t alone feeling this pain. We served as reality checks for one another – maybe we weren’t going crazy after all – our emotional excesses were an ordinary part of grief. We could see each other surviving through the worst of it and felt reassured that we too would make it through.

We cycled through withdrawal during all different timeframes. For some, this phase of active grieving was delayed for a long time. Several members remained in the numbing fog indefinitely. "I know I need to cry, but I feel detached and remote, like I’m not really here. Other people’s tears don’t seem real to me, but I know they mean something."

Waves of grief:

Grief proved to have a mind of its own – its own rhythm. It came in waves which washed over us and sometimes swallowed us whole, leaving us beached and dazed, sending us back into the numbing fog to start the cycle over again.

Any sudden realization of the loss – as if realizing it on a new level – could send us right back into shock, and then the acute pain of missing the person would break through the Novocain, and we would resume a new wave of active grieving. We might wake up in the middle of the night startled anew by the reality that our loved one was gone, and cycle from shock to withdrawal in a matter of minutes. In fact this is another cornerstone of grief: the sudden re-realization of the reality of the death...

Wakeful and worn out:

The physiological symptoms of withdrawal included continual wakefulness, anxious wrenching in our guts (even while some of our appetites (unfortunately) began to return ). We felt overwhelmed, on edge, and entirely exhausted. Beneath the surface, the emotional brain continued working overtime “searching for it's 'other half' and learning to recognize the loss. Our cortical brains were also busy on the conscious level trying to come to grips with this reality.

On the positive side, the acute grief of withdrawal motivated us to dig deeper, reach all the way down to our untapped resources. We panned for our grittiest reserves and came up with survival skills and hidden strengths that amazed us.

The entire paper is well worth reading if you have the time.

No Time For Goodbyes

Tonight I've got another great article by Dr LaGrand about what to do when there was no time to say goodbye. In my case, there was lots of time to say goodbye, but Deb and I never really wanted to discuss it. Looking back, I can see that after Deb died, I did several of the things listed in this article, like writing a goodbye letter and refocusing my thoughts, and I did find that they helped me. I hope they can help you also:

What To Do When Someone Dies And There Was No Time For Goodbyes

Not infrequently, death occurs and surviving family members and friends do not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the loved one who died. Fatal automobile accidents and heart attacks, hurricanes, murders, and many other unexpected events are the catalysts for much anxiety and deeply felt grief.

Many survivors are guilt ridden when in fact there is clearly no outward cause for such guilt. They did nothing wrong. Yet, unexpected death often wipes out our ability to see that we did not create the circumstances to cause the emotion being experienced.

Sometimes dying people choose to die when those close to them are not present in order to spare them additional pain. Also, it is not uncommon for a person to die in a hospital or hospice setting when a family member is rushing to get there. All of the pain of these events is maximized by the thought of not being with the person at the end.

So what can be done to reduce emotional pain and provide support in the face of deep sadness? Plenty. One or more of the following can prove helpful.

• Say goodbye in a private setting. I often tell those who are mourning the death of a loved one that there is nothing wrong with talking to the person who has died. It is a successful coping response used by millions of people and a meaningful way to say goodbye. Find a quiet room in your home, place a picture or other symbol of the loved one across from you, and say whatever you need to say. Explain why you were not there, why you are sorry, and that your love will always be with the person. If you believe in an afterlife, ask the person to send you a sign that they have heard you and are okay.


• Be sure to go to the funeral service and the viewing of the body. The funeral is traditionally the time and place where you get to say goodbye to the person who died
  (something all children should be told). It can especially be your informal opportunity to say your goodbyes. If you are unable to attend the scheduled service time or showing, then find someone to go with you at another time when you can view the deceased.
  
  It is very important for you, especially on an unconscious level, to have seen the person who died.


• Write your goodbyes in your diary or a letter. Writing thoughts and descriptions of feelings can provide a profound emotional and physical release. Write as though you are speaking directly to your loved one and be specific. Put an I Love You in it, and that you will never forget the person. When you are burdened by your thoughts of not having said goodbye, reread what you have written. You may also want to add something else to your writing at this time.


• Write or paste messages to the loved one on a biodegradable helium-filled balloon for release. This can be a wonderful opportunity for a ritual of goodbye as you watch the balloon ascend into the sky. It will give you a planned occasion to think of your loved one if you are alone or discuss memories of the loved one if it is a group or family ritual.
  
  Be sure you purchase a biodegradable balloon as others are very damaging to wildlife and the environment.


• Learn to refocus your attention and thoughts. When guilt and anxiety arise over the unintended event of not being able to say goodbye, an important survival skill involves immediately refocusing your attention. First, believe that the loved one understands your inability to say goodbye and would not hold a grudge. Then divert your awareness to a pleasant memory of the deceased or visualize her forgiving you. Change what is happening in the moment. This technique takes practice but it is a powerful coping response to develop and can be used for dealing with many other unwanted thoughts.

These approaches for dealing with not being able to say goodbye have a common goal: the acceptance of one of the sad events often associated with the death of a loved one. In the final analysis, each person has the ability to say a belated goodbye, let go of anxiety, recognize that separations without goodbye happen often, and start on the road of reinvesting in life.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena). His website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

The Only Way To Heal Is To Feel

Once in a while, I find a great grief article that just nails it: concise, packed with realistic, helpful advice, and lots of keen insights. The following article from Chandra Alexander packs a lot into five key paragraphs. What really struck me was her fifth point, that you cannot think your way through grief — you must feel. As a guy, I had to learn how to feel my way through grief. Intellectualizing my way through grief came naturally, but it brought little relief. It was only after I learned feeling techniques like Focusing and Vipassana that I was able to complete the bulk of my grief work and to be at peace.

Anyway, without further ado, here's Chandra's excellent article:

Are You Grieving?

Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one? Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.

1. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.
   • For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects. It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away.
   • But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on.
   • Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, - summons up every other death. Judith Rossner says in her book August, "After the first death, there is no other."


2. There is no "normal" timeframe to stop grieving – the grieving stops when you are done mourning.
   
   • If you surrender to the natural process of grieving, you will move through grieving and be done when you are done.
   • Everything is moving all the time. When you feel the passing of something, you allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to feel your sadness.


3. Do not pretend to be "happy" if you are not.
   
   • Pretending is the opposite of authenticity.


4. Talk about the person you loved and lost... even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.
   
   • You have a right to talk about things you want to talk about as much as the next person.
   • It is not your job to make someone else feel comfortable.


5. You cannot think your way through grief – you must feel.
   
   • I often say the only way to HEAL is to FEEL.
   • Thinking keeps the "feelings" in the head, in a very intellectual way, never allowing them to come down and rest in the heart
   • Until you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness, you can never move through the natural process of grieving.

One Journey

I find it extremely helpful to read stories from other widow/ers, for a number of reasons. One, it gives us hope for a brighter tomorrow. Two, it lets us know that we are not alone, that there are many, many fellow travelers on this road. And three, we can learn how others experience their loss in their own unique way, and we might take away something that can help us in our own grief work.

I read a great post on WidowNet on the 18th of April, and I caught up with the author recently to ask to repost her story. I'll let her introduce herself:

I'm Pam Arterburn, an English teacher living in Southern California, and my husband died in his sleep early in 2005. He had not been ill. We'd been together since I was thirteen and he was fifteen. I live with my two kids, 25 and 15, and still take writing classes at UCLA and am working on some memoir pieces and poetry.

Pam shares a number of helpful tips, and she has a real gift for inspiring others who have lost a spouse. Here's her post:

One Journey — from Day Two to Three Years Down the Road

The day after you lose your spouse is the first day of life on a strange, new planet. It looks like the old one -- same house, same car, same dog. But like the old Twilight Zones, it's not the same. The self you were with him or her, the person you only became when the two of you were together, is gone. You are left with only yourself. The thought of having to live this weird existence mingled with so much sadness and strangeness is unthinkable. Then you wonder -- how long will it take until I feel "normal" again? And what is "normal" going to be like? I remember thinking at first that there is NO WAY I could spend two or more YEARS grieving this loss! I'd surely jump off a cliff!

Well, it has been three years now since I lost my husband — three days before our 30th anniversary. We got married young, so I was 48.

For those of you whose losses are more recent, I will just share with you what these three years have been like for me.

The first three months are hazy. It was like being in a tiny boat on a foggy sea with no visibility in any direction and no oars. Just floating in a grey fog. -- Don't expect anything of yourself in this phase. Getting up and making breakfast is a major accomplishment. Be proud that you can stand up and carry on a conversation!!

My boss at work set me up with a blind date at three months -- turned out to be a former co-worker. Thus began a strange period of dating. Immediately, even though I'd tried for years, I dropped 30 pounds. I just yearned for human contact like a person lost in the desert needs water. But since I hadn't dated anyone other than my
husband since I was a teenager, it was like a second adolescence. Emotionally, I was about 15 years old. I had to learn how to be in a relationship again -- and how to push bad people away when it was time. Yes, I was taken advantage of. I was even lied to. Know what? I don't regret it at all.

Nobody can decide for you what's right or wrong when you are grieving. You'll get so much advice that your head will spin! Those people mean well, but they do not walk in your shoes. Only YOU can decide how to make it past the worst loss of your life.

My friends said I was dating to postpone grieving, that I wasn't facing the situation. Ok -- so what! It bought me some time. For goodness sakes, I was LIVING the "situation"! I needed that time.

If you need to be alone, it's OK! It took so much energy out of me to talk to my friends for a while. I pulled away because I couldn't handle having to rehash how I was coping ten times over. To explain how I was handling things made me see that I wasn't doing so well at it. I did not want to re-hash my life every time the phone rang -- I could barely stand to live it.

So I stopped answering that phone for a while. My friends were worried and nagged me to talk. But I could not help it. Sometimes, talking just isn't what you need. You're re-working your entire existence, and it's so complicated. If you need to spend the evening staring at the stars and wondering what's in store for you, that's what you should do.

I went back to college for a year, took writing courses at UCLA and became a student again. It was expensive and required zillions of hours in the car. But it changed me, forced me back into the world and made me look inside. Writing helped me cope. I met new friends and felt alive again. Once again, I began to feel moments of joy, of hope, of life winning over that dark pool of doubt.

This is the story of the first two years following my husband's death. But I did tell you it's been three years.

The third year has been better, like I can see a horizon line now -- the vista in front of me looks more familiar. I'm doing better at work, but I still miss days because I just can't do it. The happy times last longer. I don't sink so low.

Overall, I am glad to be alive, and you know what? Looking back, I can see that I was brave. There have been adventures, stories to laugh about, silly things I did along the way. But the journey out of grief, from where some of you are standing right now, is not going to be as bad or hard as you're afraid it will be. Just do it your own way, and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

I still make mistakes all the time, and I'm not proud of everything about my life. But it's kind of amazing that life will endure, and you will too.

I wish you all an amazing journey.

With love and so much hope for you,

Pam

First Year Grief

I'm always on the lookout for resources that can help new widow/ers in that first critical year of grief. I stumbled upon the following article by Kay Talbot, Ph.D. and received permission from the publisher, Abbey Press, to repost it here. It originally came from a "CareNote" on the One Caring Place website. I hope you will find it helpful:

What Everyone Should Know About the First Year of Grief
Kay Talbot, Ph.D.

The first Christmas after her husband's death, Marta knew she couldn't stay in their home for the holidays. "After my 'have-to' list was done," she says, "I ran away to Hot Springs, Arkansas and stayed for three days in a hotel. I indulged myself in the famous hot springs baths and got a massage. A Christmas Eve service on TV and telephone time with my family on Christmas Day was all of the holiday that I could handle. The rest of the time I read, cried, and ate chocolates. I allowed Christmas to flow around me that year. It was the best that I could do."

Getting through the holidays without our loved one is one of many challenges we face in the first year of our loss. We are challenged in so many ways that we cannot take loss in all at once. We can only see the world from where we stand; and to most of us, our new world looks and feels like landscape without gravity. There are no maps to guide us through this fresh grief. But others who have made the journey can help by sharing what they have learned. They show us it is possible to turn stumbling blocks into stepping-stones along the way.

Working your way through.

After my daughter's death in 1982, I learned that the first year's grief doesn't flow neatly from one stage to the next; it has multiple patterns, fluctuating cycles, and lots of ups and downs. First-year grief will surprise you in many ways, but here are a few things you can expect.

Expect sudden "grief attacks."

Practical matters demand attention in early grief when we are the most confused and least interested in things we used to care about. We must decide how to get through each new day. Some days, getting out of bed may take all the energy we have. Trips to everyday places like the grocery store feel so different. In my case, simple things like seeing my daughter's favorite cereal on the store shelf brought immediate, excruciating pain.

I call these unexpected reactions "grief attacks." And unlike the response we would get if we had a heart attack while shopping, those around us don't know what to do. We get good at hiding our pain, at postponing grieving for a more appropriate place, a better time.

Expect exhaustion and disruption.

Early grieving is perhaps the hardest work you will ever do. It is common to have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite and blood pressure, tense muscles that are susceptible to strains, a weakened immune system. Be sure to tell your physician about your loss and any physical symptoms you have. If your doctor can't or won't listen, find one who will!

After a loss, many people return to work, school, or other activities feeling vulnerable, less confident about their capabilities, less able to concentrate, distracted by memories, and flooded with emotions that disrupt thinking. For others, work is the only place they are able to concentrate-focusing on tasks helps take their mind off their loss for a while.

Those around us may have unrealistic expectations as we return to work or school. When one mother whose only child had died returned to work, her supervisor greeted her by saying: "I'm sorry about your loss but I want to talk to you about improving your work performance." Expect to be stunned by the ineptness, thoughtlessness, and discomfort of some people, and to be thrilled and deeply touched by the kindness and sensitivity of others. Sometimes those you expect to support you the most can't or won't meet your needs, while others you weren't that close to before reach out unexpectedly.

Expect ongoing "echoes."

We experience so many emotions after a loved one dies. We may feel relief that our loved one no longer suffers, and then feel guilty about feeling relieved. For a time we may be unable to feel much at all. While learning to live with the hole in our heart and fatigue in our body, other responsibilities beckon. We must file insurance claims, pay bills, write thank-you's, decide what we want to do with our loved one's possessions, and on and on.

Just when we think everyone surely has heard of our loss by now, the reality of our loved one's death echoes back to us. A call comes from the dentist's office about scheduling her a checkup, or we run into his old friend who just moved back to town. Once again we must tell our story, respond to someone else's pain, experience fresh waves of grief. Knowing certain events are coming, such as seeing the grave marker or reading the death certificate or autopsy report, does not prevent us from hurting. These are tangible reminders of the reality of death, while part of us still hopes it's all been just a bad dream.

Expect "if onlys" and "should haves."

Most grieving people have some unfinished business with their loved ones. It helps to talk with someone you trust about these concerns. You may not have had a chance to say good-bye or resolve certain issues. You may regret doing or not doing something. Perhaps you believe his death could have been prevented, or her life prolonged.

Prior losses or several losses at the same time can complicate your grief. As much as possible, sort through and separate the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that accompany each loss; then decide what action to take. Do you need to forgive yourself or others? To ask your loved one for forgiveness and guidance? To do something to fight evil or prevent tragedy?

After Wendy's sister and niece were killed by a drunk driver, someone special told her that the experience would either make her "bitter or better," and that she would have to make a decision about how to live her life without her loved ones. She chose to join Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD), to do what she could to prevent future tragedies and help other grieving families. Our loved ones live on in positive ways, and we are able to move beyond our regrets, when we make these kinds of choices.

Expect deep questions.

Loss causes us to re-examine our beliefs about the Universe, God, and how the world works. Your faith and belief system may comfort and sustain you during the first year of your loss, or you may feel angry and disconnected from it. Remember that it is okay to question. As Job learned, God wants to be in relationship with us no matter what we are feeling.

You may be drawn to people who have experienced a loss like yours and can understand some of your feelings and questions. This is one reason many people in early grief find comfort in bereavement support groups. But remember that no one can ever totally understand your grief, your questions, and what your loved one means to you. Like all relationships, each person's grief is unique and complex.

Take your time, but do your grief work.

During early grief, you may want to stay busy all the time, avoiding painful emotions and the exhausting work of grief, hoping time will heal you. There's no set schedule and no recovery period for grief. But time alone does not heal-it's what we do with the time that counts. Take the time you need to do your grief work. But also take time away from grieving to do things you enjoy, to rest and replenish yourself.

When a loved one dies, our hoped-for future dies, too. Beginning in this first year, and continuing on from there, living with your loss means taking on new roles, new relationships, a new future-without forgetting your past. Sometimes, life takes surprising turns. Before my daughter's death, I never would have imagined I'd become a grief therapist. It wasn't part of my "plan." But as the wise adage goes, "Life is what happens to us while we're busy making other plans." Confronted with loss, we can weave the strands of our past into a new, meaningful future we never would have planned to live. Doing so is a conscious choice.

Take heart.

Getting through the first year of your grief is like winding a ball of string. You start with an end and wind and wind. Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of the work is undone, but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but never do you have to begin at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds; you've made some progress.

My daughter's spirit and our continuing bond of love gives me strength each day. May your loved one be there to help you during this painful first year, and in all the years to come.

©2001 CareNote. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission of One Caring Place, Abbey Press, St. Meinrad, Indiana. Duplication in any form prohibited without consent of the publisher.

Kay Talbot, Ph.D., is a certified grief therapist and author living in Vallejo, California. For more information contact, One Caring Place, Abbey Press, St. Meinrad, IN 47577 or visit the One Caring Place website at www.carenotes.com.

How To Help A New Widow Or Widower

I found this article today that really hit home. I have always wondered what I would say to someone that now finds themselves bereaved, something that would be helpful, not hindering. I don't want to be a Don't Get It (DGI) for someone else! I did attend a funeral a year and a half ago, and I'm not sure I said anything helpful to the new widower. But then I wasn't really there for him anyway — I went more to grieve for myself in a place where it would be acceptable for me to cry publicly (which I did from the moment I walked in the door ;-).

Anyway, as soon as I saw this article, I knew I needed to post it so others could benefit, as well as myself. You might even want to print it out and send it to people you know. Enjoy!

7 tips to help a widow/widower

This really helped me the first few times I felt abandoned by family/friends/church members who had insisted they would be there for me...and then a couple of months later... "life" happened to them as I was desperately trying to stay still and not lose the fragile state of denial I was in. LOL I copied and sent via email to all the people I know. The ones who responded have said it really helped them to feel okay about feeling awkward and not knowing what to say. They have an awesome article about friendships and changes in those also. Just FYI it is a faith based webpage. Hope it helps.

7 TIPS TO HELP A WIDOW/WIDOWER

1. Please do stay connected. There is already a huge hole in our universe. Do not assume we need 'space' to grieve.

2. Please do say you are sorry for our loss. We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than tell us your story of loosing your friend or even close relative We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now. Do not tell us you understand.

3. Do call and ask specifically, "Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee?" Do not say, "Call me if you need anything."

4. Do refer to our spouse's acts or words - serious or humorous. We are so comforted by knowing our spouse has not been forgotten. Do not leave our spouses out of the conversation.

5. Invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couples events.

6. Do accept that we are where we are. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Again our experiences are so different, as are we. So is our journey through grief. Do not assume we go through the outlined grief process 'by the book.'

7. Walk the talk. Do not make 'conversation only' offers. "We'll call you and we'll go out to dinner." — and then not follow up. Yes, we are sensitive in our grieving, but we'd rather hear you say, "I've been thinking of you," than make a 'conversation only' offer.

I wasn't planning on posting another entry from The Grief Blog tonight, but when I saw this one, I just knew it would speak to so many of you who are newly bereaved or within that first critical year. If you have ever felt guilty about feeling good now that your spouse is dead, you need to read this article! You'll be glad you did.

How to Be Kind to Yourself When Mourning

Have you forgotten all about your physical needs since the death of your loved one? Perhaps you have lost all interest in life. Are you afraid to focus your attention on anything other than the deceased, because you believe to do so means you are being disrespectful?

Forgetting the self and thinking that any form of enjoyment when grieving is wrong, causes millions of mourners unnecessary suffering. The beliefs that fuel these behaviors exist and are reinforced based on a lack of information about the nature of the grief process.

Grieving is arduous mental and physical work; it affects every organ and system in the body. Most important to understand is that what you think about, and the way you perceive the death of your loved one, is a major stressor. Early on stress is overlooked. As the days wear on, constant stress begins to take its toll in confusion, lack of sleep, colds, headaches, and digestive disturbances.

If you fail to take systematic breaks from your grief, eventually the stress of mourning will force you to the sidelines. Here are some ways to be kind to yourself, maintain your health, and minimize the chances of extending your grief work.

1. Kindness to yourself begins with the intention to change your old beliefs that you can't enjoy yourself at any time when grieving. Your natural inclinations will be to fight changing these beliefs. But give yourself a break; you are not betraying your loved one. Each day plan a time, or if you prefer, when you feel the need, excuse yourself for self-nurturance. Refuse to deny yourself. What can you do?

2. Go to your private place. Choose a place in your home where you can be free of the noise of others talking and the telephone ringing. Too much time with others during the day can limit the time you need alone to consider certain aspects of the death and your grief without interruptions.

Here is where restoration through meditation, music, solitude, or rest will replenish the severe energy drain associated with grieving (fear, anger, guilt, and depression consume enormous amounts of energy). If you are unable to be alone early on, for whatever reason, then ask a friend to be with you as you take your respite.

3. Be kind to yourself with the benefits of beauty. Go to a beautiful area near your home. Whenever the opportunity arises, and you see a beautiful picture, tree, body of water, or scene, use it as a signal that a power greater than the self is saying, pause and enjoy. Beauty is a powerful stress reducer and healer. Focus all of your attention on it. Your body will benefit greatly from this mental relaxation and it is perfectly okay to redirect your attention in this way.

4. At appropriate times-whatever you deem appropriate is appropriate-immerse yourself in loving memories that include (or may not) your loved one. Think of times when you felt loved. Go over the details of the place, people involved, what was said, and what was given or received. Think of what was learned at those times and how you might be able to give to others the insights you received. Love will get you through your great loss.

5. Be kind to yourself by putting off major decisions. Immediately selling your home, car, or getting away from the reminders of life with your loved one, can add to your burden, if they are done too soon. They can easily turn into additional losses for you as time goes on and you look back on what was given up. If possible, give yourself a year to consider big moves or decisions. Be sure to consult friends, experts, and family for input. Then make a decision based on what you want.

6. Take some time to read, not only books by others who have dealt with loss, but well thought of authors like Thomas Moore, Henri Nouwen, Wayne Dyer, and others who can give you new ideas and help in the important search for meaning. You may not be able to read anything early in your grief. However, as the weeks go on, ask friends, clergy, and librarians for recommendations. You will be surprised at the wealth of material that will help you to heal.

7. Give your self-compassion and nurturing time a name because it is a big deal. It is part of healthy adjustment to major loss. Call it "My Time" or "Be Kind to Me Hour" (or for 30 minutes). Find a catchy name and look forward to it as something you deserve, as you do.

Then make it a habit to take a stroll to your favorite coffee shop, whether a Mobil station or a Starbucks. The exercise alone can be very useful as an outlet for tension and anxiety. Give a warm hello to the person behind the counter. Human contact is a must.

In summary, starting a new routine like those recommended above, or making up one of your own, is a critical factor in readjustment. Remember it is a big deal-part of your new life to start little routines that bring you enjoyment and contact with others. Self-nurturance is your right and obligation when doing your grief work.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counsellor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

Natural And Normal Grief Responses

If you are reading this and your grief is relatively new, I am very sorry for your loss. I remember that for me the first few months had a very unreal quality to them, like I was disconnected from the real world somehow, and I had no idea what I was in for. I wish I had seen this list posted on WidowNet:

---

This information has been provided by a hospice to help answer questions people have after losing a loved one.

THESE ARE NATURAL AND NORMAL GRIEF RESPONSES

• Feeling emotionally numb.


• Knowing that the death has occurred, but having difficulty believing that the death has really happened.


• Feeling tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest or in the pit of the stomach.


• Having a loss of appetite or a desire to eat more than usual.


• Having a desire to smoke, drink, or use drugs (especially tranquilizers) in a greater amount than before.


• Feeling restless and looking for activity and finding it difficult to concentrate and complete tasks.


• Having difficulty sleeping, waking early, and often dreaming of your loved one.


• Being overly concerned with your health and even developing symptoms similar to those of your loved one.


• Feeling exhausted and lacking in energy.


• Feeling low at times of birthdays, holidays, and special occasions.


• Spending money on things usually not purchased.


• Feeling preoccupied with financial concerns.


• Telling and retelling things about your loved one and the experience of his or her death.


• Talking things over with the deceased person.


• Feeling mood changes over the slightest things.


• Feeling guilty for what was said or not said or for not having done enough for your loved one.


• Being angry or irritated at the wrong person or the wrong circumstance or at the world.


• Feeling intensely angry at your loved one for leaving you.


• Having difficulty making decisions on your own.


• Sensing your loved one's presence, believing you hear his/her voice or expecting him/her to come back.


• Assuming mannerisms or traits of your loved ones.


• Feeling as though life doesn't have any meaning.


• Not wanting to be with people or having difficulty initiating contact with others.


• Feeling self-pity and not feeling needed.


• Crying at unexpected times.

These are natural and normal grief responses. Crying and expressing your feelings to others can be helpful. Living through the grief experience and then adjusting to a new life take time. The length of time needed is different for every person.

When a Loved One Dies

I am very conscious of the fact that, because I have fully recovered from Deb's death, the articles I write may not be of much help to someone who is newly bereaved. I am quite far removed from my early grieving experiences, and besides, I've been spending quite a lot of time recently in cleaning my memories ;-)

I'm always on the lookout for articles that speak directly to someone whose partner died recently, and if that is your current circumstance, I hope that you will find the following article to be helpful:

When a Loved One Dies

At some point in time, we will all have the experience of a loved one dying. The death may be abrupt like a car accident or sudden illness. It may take place over a longer period of time when your loved one has a long-term illness such as cancer. There is nothing to prepare ourselves for such a loss. There is nothing you can read, no words that can be said that will reduce your pain immediately after the death.

You will feel hopeless, despondent and numb. You will feel that no one really understands what you are going through and feel isolated from friends and family. You will be amazed that life for others goes on as usual. People go to work, children go to school, and the sun rises in the morning and sets at night. You will go through periods of time where you feel a huge disconnect between yourself and the rest of the planet.

These feelings you experience during the initial stages of grief will devastate you to the point that you don’t want to participate in regular activities that give you pleasure. You will also feel like being sedentary, sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching television, but paying no real attention what show is on.

Eventually you will become tired of sitting around all the time. You will hear a voice inside you that you need to move to the next step of your grieving process.

That next step is moving your body.

There is a ton of research that indicates that physical exercise improves your physical health, decreases feelings of depression and anxiety, improves self-esteem, reduces stress and increases mental and physical strength. Some studies indicate that your endorphins can kick in after only fifteen minutes of exercise and at the point you can experience a sense of well being.

Exercising is certainly a healthy way to deal with the death of a loved one. A short walk, run, bike ride or other aerobic activity will help you face and work through trauma.

What is going to help me get off the couch and into an exercise program?

1. Become aware that it is normal to feel overwhelmed with sadness, confusion, anger, and deep despondency immediately after a loved one dies. This sense of overwhelm and shock will cause you to be sedentary much of the time during the beginning stage of grief, but you don’t have to feel guilty about it because this is a normal part of the morning process.

2. You will eventually reach the point where a voice in your head will inform you that it is time to do something else rather than laying around when you are not at work or actively parenting. Pay attention to this voice, don’t ignore it or push it away. Make an appointment with your physician to determine if it is safe for you to exercise.

3. Repeat these words throughout the day: “Exercise will help me get through this horrible time. It will put me in a better state of mind where I will be able to get through the pain. Moving my body will enable me to feel good about myself and eventually improve the quality of my life.”

4. Choose an activity that you feel that you can do on a regular basis. Some of you may not have exercised for years. Others may never have worked out. If you are not sure what to do, begin walking. You can do this in your neighborhood and it does not require any equipment other than good shoes. Begin short and slow. When you start exercising, create a realistic goal such as walking for fifteen minutes at a slow pace. You can gradually increase your speed and distance as you go along.

5. Become self aware as you are exercising. Ask yourself: How does my body feel? What is my breathing like? What am I thinking and feeling about?

Once you experience positive results, you will be motivated to continue a regular exercise program. Moving your body is a safe, productive means to deal with tragedy. The pain you are experiencing can move out of your head and into your body. You can feel the anguish gradually leave as sweat pours through your skin and mixes in with the tears falling down your face. You can discover this new way of letting go.

Bob Livingstone, LCSW, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for almost twenty years. He works with adults, teenagers and children who have experienced traumas such as family violence, neglect and divorce. He works with men around anger issues and adults in recovery from child abuse. He is the author of the critically acclaimed Redemption of the Shattered: A Teenager’s Healing Journey through Sandtray Therapy and the upcoming The Body-Mind-Soul Solution: Healing Emotional Pain through Exercise (Pegasus Books, Aug. 2007). For more information visit www.boblivingstone.com.


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 License

I Don't Understand, and I Don't Need To

The truest view of life has always seemed to me to be that which shows that we are here not to enjoy, but to learn.
— Frederick William Robertson

I can't say enough good things about Guy Finley's book, The Secret of Letting Go. I just finished reading it tonight, and it contains a ton of deep insights into why we hurt and how to let go of that pain. As far as Grief Recovery Tools go, this is one tool you'll want in your toolbox.

Not that this book is an easy read, mind you — far from it. This is a book you'll want to read, highlight, digest, and contemplate. And then read it again. He ends the book with a short exercise written by his mentor, Vernon Howard. I think it will likely be the most helpful for those of you who are feeling the pangs of grief most acutely. It may help to take some of the pressure off. And I think it will really help widowers. We tend to intellectualize our grief.

[From pages 271-273]:

When you begin to see that you have created your world in your own image, it will shock you. Here is a special exercise for you for when you are pained. I can't tell you what a marvelous change this exercise will make in your life.

From this point on, every time you feel some hurt or inner agony, instead of thinking about the pain, which you now do, you will do something else. Instead of directing your attention toward that sadness or disappointment, you are going to think about something else.

You are going to think, "I don't understand the pain."

Just think, "There is a darkness there. Something is lashing at me, and it hurts." But you are not going to get a false pleasure from the pain. You are going to go to the right department and say, "I don't understand the pain." THAT'S IT!

Then you never ever have to think another thought about the misery you are experiencing. You are through. You have done your part. THIS IS THE WAY OUT.

God Himself has just come to your rescue. This is what is authentically religious. Truth says, "Don't think about and swim around in the suffering." Simply sit back in your chair, relax, and say, "I don't understand the anguish that is terrorizing my system."

If you don't understand it, there is nothing YOU can do, is there? Then do nothing.

When we complain and cry and moan and groan and think, "How did I get into this mess?" etc., nothing will change. With this exercise, you are putting yourself in an entirely different department, and you will receive the products that that department has ready for you.

Do you want the product of not having to make worried decisions all day long? Just say, "I don't understand this crisis or that heartache that just came up." AND STOP. GO THROUGH YOUR WHOLE DAY NOT UNDERSTANDING IT.

It is our spurious understanding that gets us into the sorry inner mess in the first place. Don't be afraid to have no intelligence of your own. God is willing to make the grand, magnificent substitute for you. God gives you his life in exchange for your life.

The majority of men and women sell their souls all day long in exchange for false, fleeting feelings of self-control. When you have true self-command, you never have to look for it or ever explain its absence to yourself.

If you are willing to say, "I don't understand anything at all about my life," your false self along with its false understanding will fall away; in its place will be the insight from Heaven itself. That insight from a very High Place is all you need for this world and the next world. Go ahead and dare to let go.

VERNON HOWARD

My Experience With Despair

I am normally a pretty optimistic person, although I've had my share of disappointments and frustrations in life. Still, nothing could really prepare me for the full-on despair that comes with grieving a spouse. In How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, Therese Rando does a good job of describing what awaits the new widow/er:

Besides feeling abandoned, you may feel sad, low, or blue. Pleasurable activities may no longer be enjoyable, and you may become apathetic and slowed down, with no energy or motivation. You may brood about the past and be pessimistic, if not hopeless, about the future. You may lament about your situation and how you have been victimized. Tearfulness and crying are not uncommon. On some occasions you may desperately want to cry, but find you are unable to do so. In your intense grief and depression, it will not be at all unusual for you to feel out of control, helpless, deprived, depersonalized, despairing, lonely, powerless, and vulnerable. You may feel that your life is meaningless and even that you, yourself, are worthless. Self-reproach, shame, and even guilt can occur. Feeling so inadequate frequently causes you to feel, in turn, childish, dependent, and regressed. While this is understandable in light of the major loss and the profound psychological injury you have sustained, you might begin berating yourself for feeling less than competent. This can cause you to become inappropriately angry at yourself. If you are like other mourners, too often you will underappreciate just how much you are affected by this traumatic loss. It is bound to set you back emotionally, physically, and socially for quite a while. [pg 38]

In my case, many of these points played out over the weeks and months following Deb's death. Here's an especially poignant example:

I have a really annoying klaxon-style alarm clock. It has to be, or I won't get up. I've tried waking up to the radio, but my subconscious seems blissfully happy to sleep right through any music or talk-shows ;-) So, like many, I've settled for a rather obnoxious-sounding, very loud electronic beeping. Usually it never fails to get me out of bed, just so I can turn the darned thing off (it is purposely set up across the bedroom ;-).

I think it was one morning about three or four months after Deb died that the alarm went off at 08:00 a.m., and I woke up, but I didn't turn it off. I just listened to it. For the next three and a half hours! I just lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling, listening to this jarring alarm, and thinking, "life is pointless."

If you are newly-bereaved and reading this, you might become a little apprehensive about what you could be in for. Here's what's important to understand about this: it wasn't the low point of my grieving. In fact, I wouldn't even say that the full gravity of my situation had hit me yet. The low water mark was still months away.

As you read books on grieving, you'll quickly find the "steps" of grief, and denial factors in prominently as step number one or two. This always really bothered me. How could I be in denial of Deb's death? I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. I sat in the front row at the funeral. I was last to leave the casket before interment. My bed was empty, her clothes were given away, and her spot on the couch was conspicuously vacant. How could I possibly be in denial?

What I have come to understand, looking back now over the last 21 months, is that I was in denial that my life had completely changed. See, even three or four months in, I was still thinking that I would get through this grief stuff and move on with my life and do all the things I still wanted to do. I didn't understand that grief is for life. A good analogy is like learning to live with diabetes or an amputation. Conditions like these aren't going to go away anytime soon. However, that's the point of the analogy — we can learn to live with grief. My goal in writing this blog is to give you enough tools to not only live with grief, but thrive with it. I now consider grief to be a friend of mine (not a very friendly one at times!), a friend that has a lot to teach me about myself, relationships, and what it means to live.

Born Again

Tonight I'm going to write another short perspective piece, this one comparing what we experience as newly-bereaved people to that of a newborn child. This past summer I read a neat book called Touching, and I was struck by the author's description of childbirth from the child's perspective.

Think of the similarities — a fetus lives in a little bubble, oblivious to the pains and terrors of the world, comfy cozy and getting all his/her needs met. And in one day all that is over — smashed, never to be seen or experienced again.

And it is not like the birthing process is a piece of cake either. The soon-to-be-shild's entire body is compressed and squeezed, and its skull even changes shape under the pressure. And all that, just to be ejected out into a cold, unforgiving world where the child can't even describe the traumatic experience it has just gone through, and continues to go through. No wonder it cries.

And yet, as the author of Touching explains, all this birthing trauma "appears to be perfectly designed to prepare it for postnatal functioning." [pg 61] There's that blasted word "perfectly" again...

As I went through those traumatic weeks and months of acute grieving, it was helpful to know that all this was necessary preparation for my functioning as a post-married man. I am often reminded of those poor folks who are born unable to feel pain. Most people would think that this would be a tremendous gift, but in fact it is more like a curse. Pain enables us to function in this world. It is a survival mechanism. It is a gift.

Further reading about congenital insensitivity to pain:

• The Girl Who Can't Feel Pain


• Inability to feel pain puts girl at risk


• Congenital Insensitivity to Pain


• A Gift of Pain