Unsatisfying Grief

"You need to fully experience grief." How many times have you read that? It makes you wonder if the authors have ever experienced a loss themselves. In the acuteness of loss, the pain can be overwhelming, and this at a time when we are doing our level best to minimize our suffering. Why would anyone want to experience agonizing pain to the fullest extent?

And yet, this is a necessary part of successful grieving. Despite how it may feel, grief is *not* all-powerful and all-encompassing. It does have boundaries and limits, and discovering these limits helps to put grief in perspective. It helps take the fear away. Fear of what? Going crazy, for one!

Of course, the day you decide to probe the depths of grief should not be one where you are already under a lot of stress. Not that the exercise will overwhelm you (in fact, just the opposite), but the mind will need a fair bit of support to even contemplate the prospect of going to the center of the pain.

Remember the first time you dove into a pool? I do. Well actually, I remember all the days I tried to dive and failed to gather the gumption ;-) I was scared. Scared of hurting myself, scared of losing control, scared of letting go. Looking back, the agony of anticipation was way worse than the actual dive itself. But it was one of those things that, until the deed was actually done, only the fear seemed real.

I got the following exercise from Happiness Is Free, and in a future post I'll quote the process in its entirety. For tonight, however, a quick synopsis will more than suffice.

First, take a number of steps to support yourself and reduce your stress. You can reread Feeling, Not Thinking II for some good ideas here. Next, get comfortable. When I did this exercise, I was sitting on my couch in my cozy, dimly-lit living room. Then, begin to go over some of the more troubling aspects of your spouse's death. You know, those thoughts that tend to really cut you up. The only difference is that this time you will try to push those wounding thoughts harder. As you're feeling and experiencing pain, ask yourself if you could go deeper into that pain. And deeper. Ask yourself if you could find the bottom of that pain, to go to the core of that pain. Give yourself permission to feel the full extent of the pain. The center of it. See if you can describe what the pain feels like at its most potent, most concentrated core.

The funny thing is that trying to intensify mental pain is a frustrating endeavor. No matter how you try to lock that pain down to isolate its core, you will find that the core eludes you. Or rather, the mind-blowing pain that you expect to find there doesn't exist. What you find there instead is a weird kind of peace.

Have you ever sat down and gorged yourself on your favorite snack food? Perhaps you didn't set out to gorge yourself. But that first bowl of ice cream just didn't do it for you. So you had another. And another. And a bit more. And just one more spoonful. And, well, there's just a little bit left, so there's no point in putting that back in the freezer. And now you just ate an entire box of ice cream!

Do you feel satisfied at the end of such a binge? Or did the pleasure escape you? Are you left with an empty ice cream container and an unsatisfied feeling (despite your full tummy)?

Probing grief can be the same way. Only it won't be pleasure eluding you, it will be pain. The crazy pain will elude you. You won't be able to find that place where the pain breaks you down. You will instead experience a similar unsatisfied feeling to that which you experienced when you snack-binged. But instead of a full tummy, you'll now find you've got grief in a bit of a box. That agonizing pain will no longer be a mysterious, awesome, scary force like an angry ocean. For now you've discovered just how shallow the pain of grief really is. And that knowledge can help you get through each day much easier than before.

The dread will have lost its sting.

Time To Say Goodbye

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.

-- M. H. Alderson

How is it that some widow/ers seem to move on fairly quickly after their spouse dies, and others are still deep in grief after several years? I have been asking myself this question for the last few days. I consider myself to be in the first group, but I know people who are in the second group.

I suspect that a big part of my healing was saying goodbye to Deb. No, I don't mean while she was alive. She said goodbye to me 16 months before she died, but I could never bring myself to say goodbye to her until she was dead. The last thing I did before leaving the hospital was kiss her lifeless forehead and say "goodbye."

But that's not what I'm talking about tonight. It took me a number of months to understand that our relationship continued after she was already dead. We are creatures of habit, and I had 14 years worth of habits that involved Deb. Simple things, like what groceries to buy. Complicated things, like deep-seated differences in our personalities. Mentally, I was still involving her in my life months after she was dead.

To me, letting go of your dead spouse means no longer involving them in your life. I needed help in accomplishing this, and I relied heavily on the excellent book The Grief Recovery Handbook. I describe how this book helped me in an early post titled Grief Work.

The main focus of that book is writing and then reading a goodbye letter to your dead spouse. A definitive letter. You are going to say goodbye, and it means goodbye. No longer will he or she be part of your active living. You will not defer to them again, solicit their opinion again, rely on them again. Goodbye means goodbye.

Is this hard to do? Absolutely! It cut me in half to read that final letter out loud. But it was necessary. It put a floor under my grief, a line in the sand. Here, and no further.

But the mind is a creature of habit. And we are addicted to the endorphins our brain generates when we engage our spouse in our day to day life. Over time, these habits have become ruts — familiar grooves through which our thoughts run. We need to break out of those thought patterns if we ever want to heal.

Changing habits, especially mental habits, can be very difficult. And it's not like we have ideal conditions to start from either. Most likely, we're mired in anguish and pain. But change those patterns we must. It is hard, and we will fail. Often. But we need to continue until the thought patterns have changed and we no longer include our dead spouse in our day to day lives.

I'm reminded of the poem "Autobiography In Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson:

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Walking down another street begins with saying goodbye. As you watch this video, ask yourself if now is the time for you to say goodbye as well.

Rules For Managing Grief

I've mentioned before that I think Dr LaGrand writes excellent articles on grief and grieving. His most recent article is no exception. I personally have used every single rule, and I can vouch for how much of a difference they have made in my life. As you read them, make a conscious decision to start applying just one of the rules in your life today. That old adage about time healing all wounds only works when you actively do something with that time. Here's what to do:

7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

Grief and loss are inherent parts of life. No one gets off scott free from facing the emotional and physical pain of accepting the death of a loved one. Yet, all too frequently, we maximize our pain out of a lack of insight into the reality of major change and the common problems of adapting to life without the beloved.

Here are seven rules that will help in the challenge to deal with the inevitable changes to be faced and re-orienting to a new and different life.

1. Never allow thoughts to turn into actions without your full consent. Negative thoughts pervade most loss experiences. We tend to look back at what we lose and ahead to all the real and imaginary obstacles that have to be faced. This occurs in an atmosphere of fear and confusion which maximizes our concerns. Then a universal law takes effect: what we focus on expands. In this case, fear grows and the obstacles appear insurmountable. There is nothing wrong with being scared in facing the new and here is how you can deal with it.

Full consent always implies deliberation. Deliberation means reasoned dialogue and thinking. Frequently, get with those you trust to share all concerns and ask for feedback on your thoughts. Let the fear, guilt, or loneliness out. Not easy to do, but the results will be essential in making the right choices and defusing limiting beliefs and fears. Doing the right thing will take courage that you can muster with help from friends. Use them with humility.

2. Be open to new ideas, assumptions, and beliefs. Loss challenges our beliefs about life and death. Grief is a time when reevaluating the way we were taught that life is, usually has to be challenged. There is more to its mystery than our little version. For most, there is a lot to learn, especially in how to accept impermanence.

Big, life-changing events often cause us to examine our values and put things in perspective. Revising beliefs will also bring new meaning to loss and an easier reinvestment in life. In reality, loss is a great teacher of the importance of relationships, humility, and gratitude.

3. Allow failure to be viewed as a normal part of coping well. Accepting failure as a tool for learning always spawns success. Having been utilized for centuries, it is just as true for coping with loss as it has been with some of the greatest inventions.

Be aware that we are programmed early in life to expect immediate success or to feel we are not up to the task. Examining where we make mistakes, and taking action to rectify them, is the road to follow. See failure when grieving as a friend, as part of your education about loss and life.

4. Start reconnecting as soon as possible. Loss and the emotions that accompany it are strong forces of isolation. Isolation especially hinders your ability to adapt and accept the new conditions of existence. Everyone needs a variety of connections; they are surefire lifelines. Do this: strengthen connections to your faith, friends, work, and mission because it is critical to reinvesting in life and developing new routines.

New routines are an absolute must due to the absence of our loved one. Make these new routines into new habits, which is an important key to coping well.

5. Cultivate solitude on a regular basis. Take time out each day just for yourself. This is just as important as building your circle of interpersonal relationships. It is a positive state time leading to comfort, enhanced spirituality, and creative coping with your great loss.

Find a place where you enjoy being alone, a particular room in your home, an area in a park, at the beach, or some other natural setting. Give yourself permission to take a cry break or listen to soothing music. Take a walk by yourself. Meditate. Meditation will reduce your stress and raise your energy level. Give yourself a pep talk. Do what is best for you.

6. Trust your inner knowing. This resource is seldom consciously used. So listen to what your intuition and your body tell you about the choices to be made and the direction to travel. You have wisdom within, if you will take the time to be honest with yourself and listen. Then make yourself take that first difficult step in tackling whatever problem you have to face that day.

When discouraging thoughts start to build take action to stop the downward spiral by asking yourself "What do I need to do right now?" Listen to what comes up from your intuitive treasure, trust it, and reverse your direction. Keep repeating this new action.

7. Make the "D" word the cornerstone of your new life. Determination is a commitment you can make. Talk to yourself and say that you are going to prevail in this difficult adaptation. Write specific inspiring phrases on a 3 by 5 card that you can whip out and read when you start feeling the blues.

Then combine your self-coaching with getting up and moving into another room or going outside when things seem unmanageable. Consider calling a best friend or develop a method (create any affirmation) to interrupt the pattern of thoughts causing discouragement. With conscious determination you can redirect emotion.

All of the above can be worked on, one rule at a time. Remember what was said earlier: what you focus on expands. This not only holds true for fear and negative thoughts. It is just as powerful for visualizing yourself meeting and successfully negotiating a particular problem. It holds true for focusing on a positive memory or a gratitude memory. Those positive events will expand in importance and assist your transition.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

I'll just mention that I read a quote recently, attributed to Gene Simmons of Kiss fame. He talks about being "ruthless" with your thoughts. In reference to the first rule, I found I needed to make a conscious decision to no longer entertain certain thoughts about Deb and my past role as her husband. It has made, and continues to make, a big difference in my life. I hope it does in yours also.

The Only Way Out Of Anxiety

I've been sharing some valuable information from Dr Paul Dobransky's ebook called MindOS™ - "The Operating System of the Human Mind". I originally shared his work in my series entitled The Rollercoaster, and the last two posts have dealt almost exclusively with anxiety. In Avoiding Grief, we looked at how avoidance is a passive response to anxiety, and in Dumping Your Anxiety, we saw how worrying and complaining is a destructive, active response to anxiety. I also clarified that, as widow/ers, we need to express our worries and complaints, and that support groups are a more appropriate outlet for "dumping" than our friends and acquaintances.

Tonight I'll wrap up this series with Dr Paul's way out of anxiety: courage.

[from pages 196-205]:

Courage IS the only way out of problems with anxiety, victimization, impulsivity, addictions and lack of confidence. Interestingly, the film, "Saving Private Ryan" defines courage very succinctly: "Do the Right Thing."

Consider that knowing that "the Right Thing" to do comes from your two inner decision-making resources, conscience and intuition! Courage then, is not bravery, not fearlessness or any other thing we lack or acquire — it is a DECISION!...

We have no excuses. Courage is a decision, and if we are alive, we are capable of decisions, by definition. Every time we make a decision, we have to be in the "present moment," and therefore also have access to Observing Ego at those times. Courage is a constructive way of thinking before acting, done in a WIN/WIN way that sees the world as a place of ABUNDANCE.

This is where the notion of faith comes in to intertwine with courage.

To have FAITH in something, we need to have some degree of BELIEF that our actions in the future will work out, even if we don’t have conclusive proof they will. That takes some Observing Ego first off — a "bird's eye view" of our abilities and function. But then we have to DECIDE to think and act according to that faith. Imagine it — if you have poor Observing Ego ability then you don't have the "bird's eye view" on life. You only see the challenges in front of your face. So you tend to THINK in childlike ways—destructively. But with the "bird's eye view" of Observing Ego, you can see ALL the options available to you, now and in the future, and so you are a bit less distressed. You can do it, with some smart planning. You can do courage, the "Right Thing" to do.

Interestingly, we are most alone in the world when we do courage, but after the moment we do it, the WHOLE WORLD wants to join us. If our beliefs are composed of some part emotional evidence and some part intellectual evidence for the belief, then the emotional part can be used as energy to nudge us into action, and the intellectual part can guide the way. The emotional energy of courage then can then be joined by faith and belief so that we don't have to feel so alone in that moment that requires courage...

If you saw the film Saving Private Ryan or you yourself served in heroic capacity in the military, then you know what courage is and how it works. The soldiers storming Normandy Beach WERE afraid, nervous, jittery, peeing their pants, and calling for their mommies. But they were still among the most courageous men of the last century simply because they DECIDED to do what is right, regardless of the amount of uncomfortable feelings they had at "the moment of truth."

This concept of courage is one of the hardest character skills to build in psychiatry, because it doesn't involve too much thinking and analyzing — one simply has to think of the "Right Thing" to do, then go DO courage. That is an act that almost never can take place in a therapist's office. It has to happen out there in the real world, where one is ALONE and without a psychiatrist to chat with about it...

If courage is constructive, then just as any WIN/WIN behavior that sees the world as a place of abundance, it takes time, patience and discipline to do. Courage is about the long haul, not the quick fix of wishing you were something you're NOT.

The bright spot of this all is that you CAN become something that you aren't right now. You can become a little more like your heroes every day through Observing Ego, just like the main character in a great film — but only by the slow, patient discipline that adults use.

When you do courage, You have a 100% guarantee of reaping an EQUAL amount of confidence in ratio with the amount of courage put in. But we all have more or less confidence about SPECIFIC fears. If you list those fears, then you know the most logical targets for your courage, things to make goals out of. List your fears, then fly your "airplane of success" toward the goal of beating those specific fears through courage! It is a sure-fire way to build confidence in exactly the areas of life you need it.

Now you can see every kind of behavior to do with anxiety. This is important because we all do all three methods of anxiety all the time. Impulsivity and victim behavior get us NOTHING, but only courage wins confidence — it is EVERYTHING.

I'll just close by mentioning that I've previously described a great tool for getting that "bird's eye view" in my post titled A Wider Perspective. And I'll also mention that, since incorporating the above anxiety diagram into my life, I have more than restored all the confidence that I had lost when Deb died.

I hope that deciding to "do courage" proves fruitful in your life as well.

Feeling, Not Thinking

For the last month, I've been pondering the answers to two questions I was recently asked about grieving. The first one came as a result of a woman reading my blog posting about What We Can Learn From Grief and wondering how we can get out of the way mentally and let our body grieve. The second question was asked by a relatively new widow: how does one facilitate the grieving process?

I believe the answers to these two questions are related, so I'm going to attempt to answer them both simultaneously. First, let's start with the premise that grief is primarily a feeling process, not a thinking process. Why is this important? There's a big tendency here in the West, especially for men, to intellectualize grief. We can think about our grief all we want, but we're not likely to heal much that way.

OK, fine. I need to feel in order to heal. But what does that mean in practice?

I was very lucky as an early widower to be aware of a healing process called Focusing. The best book I found on the subject is called The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing. As a man, I found this technique to be very helpful as it taught me how to listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I highly recommend it.

I read recently that the primary purpose of our neo cortex is to produce thoughts, which lead in turn to movement. When I attended a Vipassana meditation course, this was elaborated on a bit as follows:

• First, a thought comes to our mind


• This thought produces a feeling or sensation somewhere in our body


• Due to this feeling, we react in some way

Can you see how intellectualizing grief is counter-productive? I don't know about you, but when I was in the throes of grief, I had more feelings than I knew what to do with! I certainly didn't need to have thoughts generating even more feelings. Instead, I needed a way to work with the feelings I already had. And I needed my brain to be quiet.

What I learned through 100 consecutive hours of silent Vipassana meditation was how to allow a thought to come to mind, feel the sensation, but not react to it in any way. This not reacting included not generating additional, related thoughts and perpetuating the cycle. By the end of the course, a thought could come up and pass away, and I felt no need to follow it or react to it. As a result of not being needed, my mind grew very quiet. I guess it didn't like being ignored ;-) With this quieting of my mind came a deep and healing peace. I finally met the real me, that guy who doesn't have any problems.

It was right after I came back from Vipassana that I learned about a Hawaiian healing method called ho'oponopono. It says that any problem we experience in our life comes as a result of a memory. The solution? Let go of the memory. I have written a fair bit about this method and how it has helped me.

In my next post, I'll explain more about how we can help our body heal from grief.

The Only Way To Heal Is To Feel

Once in a while, I find a great grief article that just nails it: concise, packed with realistic, helpful advice, and lots of keen insights. The following article from Chandra Alexander packs a lot into five key paragraphs. What really struck me was her fifth point, that you cannot think your way through grief — you must feel. As a guy, I had to learn how to feel my way through grief. Intellectualizing my way through grief came naturally, but it brought little relief. It was only after I learned feeling techniques like Focusing and Vipassana that I was able to complete the bulk of my grief work and to be at peace.

Anyway, without further ado, here's Chandra's excellent article:

Are You Grieving?

Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one? Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.

1. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.
   • For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects. It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away.
   • But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on.
   • Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, - summons up every other death. Judith Rossner says in her book August, "After the first death, there is no other."


2. There is no "normal" timeframe to stop grieving – the grieving stops when you are done mourning.
   
   • If you surrender to the natural process of grieving, you will move through grieving and be done when you are done.
   • Everything is moving all the time. When you feel the passing of something, you allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to feel your sadness.


3. Do not pretend to be "happy" if you are not.
   
   • Pretending is the opposite of authenticity.


4. Talk about the person you loved and lost... even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.
   
   • You have a right to talk about things you want to talk about as much as the next person.
   • It is not your job to make someone else feel comfortable.


5. You cannot think your way through grief – you must feel.
   
   • I often say the only way to HEAL is to FEEL.
   • Thinking keeps the "feelings" in the head, in a very intellectual way, never allowing them to come down and rest in the heart
   • Until you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness, you can never move through the natural process of grieving.

Rebuilding Self Esteem

After our spouse dies, we can suffer a tremendous hit to our self-esteem in addition to all our other losses. This is especially true if you identified strongly with your role as husband or wife to your late mate. If your wedding vows were anything like mine, they read "until death do us part." So legally and contractually, you are no longer that wife or husband, regardless of how you feel about that. But if that role was your primary identity, then who are you now? It is no wonder that your feelings of self-worth can plummet.

Even for those of us who can accept a little more readily that we are no longer married, it can be very, very difficult to build up our self-esteem. We feel inadequate on so many levels. When I was married, I felt totally competent at being a husband and father. After Deb died, I felt totally inadequate as a single dad, and I was less than competent (or ready) for being a single man contemplating dating.

Now that our spouse is dead, we have been unwillingly thrust into a multitude of new roles we neither want nor understand. Anything from financial skills to grocery shopping to fixing the car to raising children to unplugging a drain. If our late mate took care of those things, we now face taking care of them alone. Because we lack the skills, we make mistakes — lots of them! And each mistake can further mar an already shattered self-image, dragging us well into depression territory.

But we can rebuild our self-esteem, and in fact we need to in order to survive and thrive in our new life. I found a great article by Dr. Joe Rubino which gives a number of great tips on how to overcome self-esteem issues. While it is written specifically for business professionals, it details out some solutions which have universal applications. I won't quote the entire article, focusing instead on the last three paragraphs, and I'll insert a few of my own comments pertaining directly to widow/ers:

[from The Impact of Lacking Self-Esteem on Business Professionals]

The answer to escaping the vicious cycle of lacking self-esteem, diminished confidence, and the never-ending, frustrating quest for fulfillment lies in the 3 step process as laid out in detail in The Self-Esteem Book. The process starts with healing one's past so that it no longer robs us of energy and consumes our attention. We do this by reinterpreting the upsetting events of our childhood [Ed: and the death of our spouse] in a way that involves empathy, forgiveness, and gratitude [Ed: ho'oponopono is a great method for doing exactly this]. We create empathy for those who said or did things that hurt us and caused us to lose esteem by asking the question "What could it have been like in this person's world for them to have acted as they did?" This is not the same as condoning hurtful behavior. It is simply making the observation that they acted in alignment with how they viewed the world. As a child we gave these happenings meanings that resulted in our decision that we did not measure up in some way to the standards of perfection we set for ourselves. We can then make a conscious decision to both forgive those who hurt us [Ed: like Don't Get It's!] and forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made. And lastly, rather than focus on our weaknesses, we can decide to be grateful for our strengths and gifts. We can learn to acknowledge ourselves for the things we do well and for the unique, special gifts we bring to the world.

Once the pull of past ghosts is complete, we can then turn our attention to properly analyzing our present state of affairs. We can identify what's working in our lives and what's missing to support living an upset-free life in choice, a life that honors our most important values and inspires us to live passionately. We can analyze each of the six predominant areas of our lives: our health and physical appearance and makeup, our occupation or life's work, our wealth and finances, our relationships and family, our spiritual and personal development, and our fun, recreations, and passions. We can highlight our strengths and decide to work to improve upon the things that we see as lacking in each area.

And finally, we can take that magic wand that is our birth-right, wave it over our lives and design our future deliberately. We can choose to do so in a way that excites us, as we cast off that gloomy state of low self-esteem, unhealthy resignation and self-pity that no longer supports us. We can create a vision for who we are and the qualities for which we wish to be known. We can decide how we will spend a typical day at work or at play. We can envision the things that we will have around us in our lives, including such things as where we will live and with whom. And we can decide how our lives will be spent so that we honor our most important values, who we will contribute to, and what passions and gifts we will focus on manifesting. We can decide to read such a written vision daily and replace our negative self-talk with powerful affirming statements that support our self-worth. In short, we can live with the intention to honor our God-given magnificence and lead happy, fulfilled lives that fully contribute to others as we embrace our humanity and share the unique and special person we are with the world.

---

Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed personal development trainer, a life-changing success coach, and best-selling author of 9 books and 2 audio sets on topics ranging from how to restore self-esteem, achieve business success, maximize joy and fulfillment in life and productivity in business. An acclaimed speaker and course leader, he is known for his groundbreaking work in personal and leadership development, building effective teams, enhancing listening and communication skills, life and business coaching, and optimal life planning.

Dr. Rubino is the CEO of The Center for Personal Reinvention, CenterForPersonalReinvention.com, an organization committed to the personal excellence and empowerment of all people. He has impacted the lives of more than 1 million people through self-esteem work, personal and group coaching, and personal and leadership development. Dr. Joe offers powerful personal coaching to support business success and life fulfillment.

10 Ways to Handle Change

I subscribe to BeliefNet's daily email, and I found this great series on handling change. It was this article that prompted me to look more into Ariane de Bonvoisin's website, First30Days. From there, I read her 16 page report on how people respond to change, and that inspired me to write my second post on Grieving Successfully. Now you know a bit more about how I come up with these posts every other day ;-)

You may find this article more helpful if you are past the first year and looking for ways to create a new life for yourself. Because our spouse is dead, we have to change all our habits that used to involve our late mate. If you are feeling a lot of pain in your grief, you likely have quite a few of these habits you have yet to change. Easier said than done! How does one go about changing our habits? Here are some good hints:

10 Ways to Handle Change
By Ariane de Bonvoisin

Everyone experiences change — it may be a job change, relationship change, health change, or a change you've initiated that suddenly seems daunting. If you find change difficult, you're not alone. Many people think change is hard. But it's possible for the change you're going through to be easier, smoother, and less stressful — you can find the positive in transitions and learn to love your life more... you can become a Change Optimist.

1. Remember That Change Happens to Us All
Change happens every day, to everyone; it's the one constant in life, the thing that connects us all. And whether life has thrown a change at you or you've sought one out, it's natural to find it difficult.

But I believe change is positive, that anyone can change (you're never too old or too young), and there are always ways to make change easier. It's time to learn one of life's most important skills: how to navigate change!

2. From Every Change, Something Good Will Come
People who are good at change always focus on the positive that will inevitably come from any transition. The gift that comes from change may not be related to what you're currently going through. For example, you may lose your job but find yourself in a rewarding new relationship that you wouldn't have had time to pursue.

Change may lead you to new people, help you develop a stronger faith and belief in yourself, give you new opportunities, or inspire you to live a healthier life. It's important to be on the lookout for good changes, and not necessarily where you expect to find them!

3. Your Beliefs About Change Are Your Foundation
What you think about change will have a direct effect on how easy or hard you find the process. If you believe that change is difficult and terrible, then you will probably have a difficult and terrible time. But if you believe that change exists to teach you something — to make you a better person and put you on a new path — the transition will not be so daunting. Identify your beliefs — what you think and say to yourself and others during change — and turn them around.

For example, if you are having financial trouble, you may think "I am incapable of managing money." Or if you're going through a difficult break-up, you may believe "I am unlovable." But you can trade these disempowering beliefs — and their accompanying negativity and complaining--for thoughts that will give you strength and hope.

4. Get 'Unstuck' with the Change GPS
Because of emotions brought up by change, it's easy to get stuck in the past and to lose your ability to move forward. You may feel trapped by these Change Demons, but you can get unstuck by turning on your Change GPS! A GPS navigator only asks two questions: "Where are you now?" and "Where do you want to go?" Your Change GPS helps you move through transitions by alerting you if you're off-course and encouraging you to focus on your final destination.

If you're hoping to lose weight, for example, be honest about where you stand today (how much you need to lose and the most realistic approach), then create a plan and stick to it. The GPS won't tell you what you did wrong yesterday or what you could have done differently; it simply keeps you moving along the path to your ultimate goal.

5. Turn to Your Change Support Team
It's normal to feel isolated during change. We often think what we are facing is so unique that no one else can help or understand us. But change is easier when you let other people in. Whatever the situation, there is always, always, someone who can help.

One of the quickest ways to embrace change and move through it is to surround yourself with a team of supportive people. They can be family, friends, clergy members, therapists, co-workers — or anyone else who might help you through a change. These people are there to listen, support, and encourage you. They believe you can change, they want you to change, and most importantly, they will keep you on a path of hope and optimism as you move through the transition.

6. Change Demons Are a Healthy Part of Change
Change Demons are disempowering feelings that arise during any change. These emotions — fear, doubt, impatience, shame, blame, and guilt — can wreak havoc with your self-esteem and destroy hope. But they also remind you how you don't want to feel during change so you can return to how you do want to feel.

When Change Demons visit, remember: 1) they are temporary; 2) they encourage you to make a choice — you can choose to feel better or worse than the emotion you are currently experiencing; and 3) they can be replaced with better, brighter emotions that will help you move through change with ease and grace. Faith, patience, endurance, and honesty are some positive emotions that can replace Change Demons.

7. Use Your Spiritual Strength
When everything is changing, it's important to find the part of yourself that doesn't change — your calm, centered, spiritual side, your higher self. It's the part that's connected to something greater and uses your intuition as a guide. You need to reconnect to it through prayer, meditation, nature, silence, or journaling... anything that helps you go back inside, where your true spirit and power reside.

While your lower self may slip into self-pity and hold grudges, your higher self doesn't allow you to become a victim, to blame someone else when things get difficult, or to get lost in anger. This side helps you shine in strength, compassion, and clarity. During change, make an effort to act from your higher self and ask: "What would the better, wiser, calmer part of me do or say or think right now?"

8. You Have a Change Muscle
Everyone is born with a will to survive, get better, and be happier — I call this the Change Muscle. It helps you accept the reality of your situation and find your center again. Every time you are faced with a change and move through it, you are activating that muscle. And once you flex it, it's strengthened for life — you can never lose all that you have gained from experience. Next time you're faced with transition, remember that your Change Muscle will give you the strength to get through it.

9. Accept Change
When change happens, you often look longingly back to what used to be. You don't like where the river of life seems to be taking you, so you cling to the rocks or row vigorously upstream — that's what makes change tough! Accept change by taking in your new circumstances without fighting, arguing, explaining, or asking "What if?" It may be difficult at first, but you will soon see that life will lead you through this change and into a place of greater happiness and peace.

Go in the direction that life is taking you. If it's a divorce, accept it; if it's a health diagnosis, accept it — only then can you focus on re-aligning yourself with a plan and an optimistic view that focuses on the future, not the past.

10. Take Action
People who are good at change stop talking and take positive action. Whether life has thrown you a change or you want to make a shift, get a journal and start writing down your feelings. Then make a plan that feels right and is realistic and hopeful. Next, start moving physically. Getting some form of exercise is an absolute must when going through change — don't forget the S.E.E.D of all change. (Sleep, Eat Well, Exercise, and Drink Water).

Doing something for someone else — helping a neighbor, calling a lonely friend, spending extra time with your child — will also help to keep you moving forward during change. You can also try something brand new — a new route home, a new class at the gym, a new restaurant, to get things flowing. During transitions it's also helpful to create a "wall of change" with images of what you want to shift and work towards.

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Change is a natural part of life. From your birth, to your education, to starting and losing jobs, to falling in and out of love, change has been with you from the beginning. Who you are today is the sum of all the changes you've experienced — the fun ones and the difficult ones, the big ones and the small ones. Going forward, change doesn't have to be hard; you have access to tips and wisdom from others who have been there, as well as expert advice, resources, and ideas that will help get you through any change.

Visit Ariane's new site first30days.com, where you'll find information and inspiration on over 50 specific life changes. And you'll find guidance through change — with optimism and hope — in her book "The First 30 Days: Your Guide to Any Change (and Loving Your Life More)."

Successful Grieving III

Tonight I intend to finish my mini-series on grieving successfully. I wrote a bit in the first post of the series about having a goal and understanding that success is a gradual process. In the second post, I shared some fascinating research about how people who handle change well acquire a positive outlook, reach out for support, and make a plan. Fine. But how do we motivate ourselves to do anything when we feel ultra-depressed and powerless to handle the biggest change of our lives?

A small disclaimer: this series is likely to be more helpful to someone who is well into their second year of grief or beyond. For me, so much of that first year was just getting a grip on what this thing called grief is. Getting through another day was a major accomplishment. But after the first year, and after a ton of reading about grief, I was better equipped to face life and begin rebuilding my life. To do that, I needed all the motivation I could get.

I was lucky enough to have discovered professional motivational speakers over 13 years ago, and tonight I'll share some excellent advice by Les Brown from his "Choosing Your Future" program. I bought this audio program in 1995 and have relied on it many, many times over the years. I'll expand a bit on his key points in the context of grieving as a widow/er.

Motivational speakers for grief recovery??? No, I'm not on crack ;-) And no, I don't think that being motivated to grieve well is a silver bullet, or that saying a few affirmations in the mirror will "cure" you of your sorrow. I do think that, as bereaved people whose spouse has died, we can use every bit of encouragement out there, from any and every possible source. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, days when I wondered if I was just going to be in endless pain and agony forever. It was those days, when it felt like the ship I had been sailing on had just exploded underneath me and left me floating in a flaming sea of debris, that I most appreciated having little pearls of wisdom to hang on to, to get through one more day, to hope for brighter days ahead.

So, as we begin the process of reinventing ourselves, there are 6 points to keep in mind when choosing our future:

1. It's Possible
   It is possible to heal fully from the pain of losing a spouse. How do we know that? Because others have done it before us. Running a mile in under 4 minutes used to be thought to be impossible — until Roger Bannister did it in 1954. Since then, thousands of people have done it, including high school students. In the pain and agony of intense grief, it is helpful to know that it is possible to recover and that we will not feel like this forever. Just knowing it is possible can be enough to make it through another 5 minutes or another day.


2. It's Necessary
   It is necessary to go to work on our grief. Freeing up the emotional investment we have associated with our past married lives is hard, painful, exhausting work. If we avoid it, years can go by with no lasting relief. But we're not robots, either — we need to take it easy on ourselves and give ourselves frequent breaks. Once we have caught our breath, though, we need to dive back in and get on with reinventing our shattered lives. Why? It's necessary.


3. It's You
   Your future life is what you choose to make it. No one cares more about your new life than you. If you have family and friends for support, that will help. If you have a stable financial situation, that will help. But in the end, it is the person in the mirror who will make or break you. Another way to say this: "If it is to be, it is up to me."


4. It's Hard
   This you already know. Grieving is probably the hardest thing you have ever done. And you have to keep doing it for longer than you would ever want to. And it tends to get harder before it gets any easier. But knowing it is hard can give a bit of comfort in that you know this is normal. Grieving is supposed to be hard.


5. It's Worth It
   This can be hard to wrap your head around. After your spouse dies, it seems like nothing has any value anymore. This can sap your energy and make it hard to go on. But understand that working hard at your grief work will pay off eventually. The pain will subside, and you will likely emerge as a stronger, more compassionate, and more grateful person than you were before. You will appreciate life so much more, and it will take on a deep richness.


6. It Is Done
   This is where you begin to live your life as if you have already come out the other side of grief. Imagine how you would live if you were no longer in pain, if you had completed the bulk of your grief work, and the rest of your life was in front of you. What would you do? Once you make up your mind that you will get through the desert of grief, begin to live your life as though you are already healed and at peace.

These six points have helped me at various times in my grieving. It is my wish that they can offer you both some help and some hope.