Who Gets in Your Bucket?

Many times on our journey of grief, we run into people who want us to feel better, mostly so that they will feel better. We scare them. We are in more pain than they can imagine, and they think that platitudes or constant chiding will miraculously cure us of our grief. In the grief community, these folks are not-so-affectionately called "Don't Get It"s or DGIs for short. I like to call them the Clearly Clueless™. This kind of behavior is to be expected from strangers and acquaintances, and DGIs are simply part of the grief landscape. But what about when we get this behavior from close friends and family? Wouldn't it be helpful if we could print out a short article and have them read it? The following article by Doug Manning does a great job of explaining to DGIs why their reproaches are not at all helpful, as well as offering them a simple suggestion to truly help us:

Who Gets in Your Bucket?
— By Doug Manning

The best way I know to picture how we receive help from others in grief is to imagine you are holding a bucket. The size and color doesn't matter. The bucket represents the feelings bottled up inside of you when you are in pain. If you have suffered a loss, hold the bucket and think through how you feel right now. If you are reading this to learn more about helping others, then imagine what would be in your bucket if a loved one had died very recently. What is in your bucket?

Fear. Will I survive? What will happen to me now? Who will care for me? Who will be with me when I need someone near? Most likely your bucket is almost full just from the fear. But there is also:

Pain. It is amazing how much physical pain there is in grief. Your chest hurts, and you can't breathe. Sometimes the pain is so intense your body refuses to even move. There is enough pain to fill the bucket all by itself.

Sorrow. There is devastating sadness; overwhelming sorrow. A gaping hole has been bitten out of your heart and it bleeds inside your very soul. You cry buckets of tears and then cry some more.

Loneliness. There is no lonely like that felt when you are in a room full of people and totally alone at the same time. Loneliness alone can fill any bucket ever made.

I could go on, but that's enough to get the idea across, and hopefully get you started thinking through your own list. What is in your bucket?

Now picture someone like me approaching you and your bucket. I also have a bucket. My bucket is full of explanations. I am armed and ready to explain why your loved one had to die, how they are now better off and how you should feel.

I am also well equipped with new ways to look at your loss. In politics they call that "spin doctoring," but most human beings seem to know this skill by instinct.

I have almost a bucketful of comforting words and encouraging sayings. I can also quote vast amounts of scriptures. I seem to favor the ones that tell you not to grieve.

So we face each other armed with full buckets. The problem is, I don't want to get into your bucket. Yours is scary. If I get in there, you might start crying and I may not be able to make you stop. You might ask me something I could not answer. There is too much intimacy in your bucket. I want to stand at a safe distance and pour what is in my bucket into yours. I want the things in my bucket to wash over your pain like some magic salve to take away your pain and dry your tears. I have this vision of my words being like cool water to a dry tongue, soothing and curing as it flows.

But your bucket is full. There is no room for anything that is in my bucket. Your needs are calling so loudly there is no way you could hear anything I say. Your pain is far too intense to be cooled by any verbal salve, no matter how profound.

The only way I can help you is to get into your bucket, to try to feel your pain, to accept your feelings as they are and make every effort to understand. I cannot really know how you feel. I cannot actually understand your pain or how your mind is working under the stress, but I can stand with you through the journey. I can allow you to feel what you feel and learn to be comfortable doing so. That is called, "Getting into your bucket."

I was speaking on "Guilt and Anger in Grief " to a conference of grieving parents. I asked the group what they felt guilty about. I will never forget one mother who said, "All the way to the hospital, my son begged me to turn back. He did not want the transplant. He was afraid. I would not turn back, and he died."

I asked her how many times someone had told her that her son would have died anyway. She said, "Hundreds." When I asked her if that had helped her in any way she said, "No."

I asked her how many times she had been told that she was acting out of love and doing the right thing. She gave the same two responses. "Many times" and "No, it did not help."

I asked her how many times she had been told that God had taken her son for some reason, and she gave the same responses--"Many" and "No help."

I asked how many times someone had told her that it had been four years since her son's death and it was time to "Put that behind you and get on with your life." This time she responded with great anger that she had heard that from many well-meaning people, including family members, and that it not only did not help, it added to her pain and made her angry.

What I was really asking her is, "How many people have tried to pour their buckets into yours?"

I then said, "Would it help if I hugged you and said 'that must really hurt'?"

She said, "That would help a great deal. That would really help."

Why would that help? Because I was offering to get into her bucket with her and to be in her pain, instead of trying to salve over her pain with words and explanations.

If you are in pain, find someone who will get into your bucket. Most of the time these folks are found in grief groups or among friends who have been there. It is not normal procedure. It is hard to swallow our fears and climb into your bucket.

If you are reading this to find ways to help others in grief, then lay aside your explanations and your words of comfort. Forget all of the instructions and directions you think will help, and learn to say, "That must really hurt." I think that is the most healing combination of words in the English language. They really mean, "May I feel along with you as you walk through your pain?" "May I get into your bucket?"

Why Grieving Takes So Long

Take pity on the poor DGI. Since they've never experienced the loss of their spouse, perhaps the only way they can relate is to remember some high school crush of theirs that bombed out. Or maybe a beloved pet that died. They cried for a few days or weeks, then shrugged it off, grew up a bit, and got on with their life. Yet here you are, months or years later, still grieving. They are truly perplexed — why is it taking you so long to "get over" your dearly departed?

They see the obvious loss. You were married, but now your spouse is dead and gone. What they do not see are all the secondary losses. You, on the other hand, have to deal with not only the primary loss, but all the secondary losses simultaneously, and somehow keep your sanity.

While reading WidowNet last week, I found this great list of all the losses we have to contend with. I found it was helpful to be reminded of just how much I have had to deal with, as well as reassuring to acknowledge how far I have come:

[Taken from Levels Of Loss Experienced By A Person
Who Is Bereaved And/Or Divorced by Dorothy Levesque]

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It is often difficult for the family and friends of an individual who has recently experienced the loss of a loved one (whether through death or through divorce) to understand why the grieving process lasts so long. Family and friends want to see their loved one be happy and 'get on with life.' It is, therefore, important to be aware of the many levels of loss. This awareness may help the grieving person, as well as others who care about this individual, be more patient and more gentle during the time (often at least two to five years) of grief.

1. LOSS OF A LOVED ONE: this level of loss is very obvious; consequently, many think it is the only level of loss.


2. LOSS OF A LARGE CHUNK OF SELF: the part of self that was given to the other person in love; at death or divorce, this part of self seems to be violently wrenched from one's being.


3. LOSS OF IDENTITY: often at times an individual identifies self by the 'roles of service' used in a relationship; when the other person is no longer present and the role no longer played, the individual often loses the feeling of wholeness.


4. LOSS OF SELF CONFIDENCE: because a grieving person doesn't recognize his/her personal wholeness, the feeling of inadequacy – of not being able to do anything right – is often very strong.


5. LOSS OF CHOSEN LIFE STYLE: divorce/death FORCE a person to begin a new way of life; in marrying, a person CHOOSES to be married. Even when, for very good reasons, a person must leave a spouse, the person does NOT willingly choose to be single again.


6. LOSS OF SECURITY: because of the new life style, the grieving person doesn't know what will happen next or how he/she will emotionally react or respond to what will happen.


7. LOSS OF FEELING SAFE: the grieving person feels exposed to the cold winds of life and feels very vulnerable.


8. LOSS OF A KNOWN FAMILY STRUCTURE: death/divorce instantly changes the composition of a person's family thus creating another level of adjustment that must be faced.


9. LOSS OF KNOWN PARENTING SYSTEM: no matter what age one's children are, the pressures of parenting shift and new stress is added.


10. LOSS OF THE FAMILIAR MANNER OF RELATING TO/WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS: the interests of the grieving person change and, of course, sadness and anger are often evident. Because of this, family and friends frequently do not know how to respond and, therefore, avoid the individual.


11. LOSS OF THE PAST: new acquaintances and new friends can be very supportive and accepting but they do not have a sense of the individual's past journey – of his/her history.


12. LOSS OF THE FUTURE: it is frightening for a person in grief to think ahead – to think of next year or next week; there is a fear that whatever future there is will be as painful as the present moment.


13. LOSS OF DIRECTION: the individual doesn't seem to have a purpose in life any more: nothing seems to matter.


14. LOSS OF DREAMS: all plans for 'spending the rest of my life with the person I love' violently disappear.


15. LOSS OF TRUST: because of the intense levels of loss and deep insecurities, it becomes very difficult for the individual to trust self; trusting anyone else is impossible for a long period of time.


16. LOSS OF SHARING WITH A LOVED ONE: to many, the spouse was also the best friend – a confidante. Consequently, there is no one to listen to the little nothings (and the big events) of day to day living.


17. LOSS OF THE ABILITY TO FOCUS: the grieving person's entire being is so affected by the loss that it becomes difficult to focus on what seem to be the 'non-essentials' of the rest of life.


18. LOSS OF ABILITY TO SEE CHOICES: since the new life style was not a choice, there is a sub-conscious feeling that the individual has no control over his/her life.


19. LOSS OF ABILITY TO MAKE DECISIONS: because of the existing insecurity and lack of self-trust, the individual asks everyone 'what should I do?' and then becomes more confused – because everyone gives a different answer.


20. LOSS OF SENSE OF HUMOUR: when the most important person in one's life is no longer around, nothing seems to be funny.


21. LOSS OF HEALTH: the strain of the emotional and psychological work often causes physical problems such as nausea, migraine, headaches, forming muscle knots, back problems, etc.


22. LOSS OF INNER HAPPINESS/JOY: because so many individuals look outside themselves for a source of inner happiness, it takes a long time before an individual is able to recognize God in self as the real source of true joy.


23. LOSS OF PATIENCE WITH SELF: the grieving person wants to feel better NOW and therefore feels inadequate when the feelings of grief last for the normal grieving period of two to five years.

It is important to note that some individuals may experience some levels of loss that are not mentioned in this list. Some of the levels mentioned may be levels not experienced by an individual. This list is presented as a means of helping the grieving person (as well as the grieving person's friends and relatives) understand why nothing can replace the grieving process — the period of time it takes for the wound of loss to become a scar — for the darkness of grief to become the light of life!

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I hope that you found this list to be as helpful as I did. And maybe it wouldn't hurt to show it to someone who has been giving you the gears. After all, we're not the only ones who need new perspectives.