Unsatisfying Grief

"You need to fully experience grief." How many times have you read that? It makes you wonder if the authors have ever experienced a loss themselves. In the acuteness of loss, the pain can be overwhelming, and this at a time when we are doing our level best to minimize our suffering. Why would anyone want to experience agonizing pain to the fullest extent?

And yet, this is a necessary part of successful grieving. Despite how it may feel, grief is *not* all-powerful and all-encompassing. It does have boundaries and limits, and discovering these limits helps to put grief in perspective. It helps take the fear away. Fear of what? Going crazy, for one!

Of course, the day you decide to probe the depths of grief should not be one where you are already under a lot of stress. Not that the exercise will overwhelm you (in fact, just the opposite), but the mind will need a fair bit of support to even contemplate the prospect of going to the center of the pain.

Remember the first time you dove into a pool? I do. Well actually, I remember all the days I tried to dive and failed to gather the gumption ;-) I was scared. Scared of hurting myself, scared of losing control, scared of letting go. Looking back, the agony of anticipation was way worse than the actual dive itself. But it was one of those things that, until the deed was actually done, only the fear seemed real.

I got the following exercise from Happiness Is Free, and in a future post I'll quote the process in its entirety. For tonight, however, a quick synopsis will more than suffice.

First, take a number of steps to support yourself and reduce your stress. You can reread Feeling, Not Thinking II for some good ideas here. Next, get comfortable. When I did this exercise, I was sitting on my couch in my cozy, dimly-lit living room. Then, begin to go over some of the more troubling aspects of your spouse's death. You know, those thoughts that tend to really cut you up. The only difference is that this time you will try to push those wounding thoughts harder. As you're feeling and experiencing pain, ask yourself if you could go deeper into that pain. And deeper. Ask yourself if you could find the bottom of that pain, to go to the core of that pain. Give yourself permission to feel the full extent of the pain. The center of it. See if you can describe what the pain feels like at its most potent, most concentrated core.

The funny thing is that trying to intensify mental pain is a frustrating endeavor. No matter how you try to lock that pain down to isolate its core, you will find that the core eludes you. Or rather, the mind-blowing pain that you expect to find there doesn't exist. What you find there instead is a weird kind of peace.

Have you ever sat down and gorged yourself on your favorite snack food? Perhaps you didn't set out to gorge yourself. But that first bowl of ice cream just didn't do it for you. So you had another. And another. And a bit more. And just one more spoonful. And, well, there's just a little bit left, so there's no point in putting that back in the freezer. And now you just ate an entire box of ice cream!

Do you feel satisfied at the end of such a binge? Or did the pleasure escape you? Are you left with an empty ice cream container and an unsatisfied feeling (despite your full tummy)?

Probing grief can be the same way. Only it won't be pleasure eluding you, it will be pain. The crazy pain will elude you. You won't be able to find that place where the pain breaks you down. You will instead experience a similar unsatisfied feeling to that which you experienced when you snack-binged. But instead of a full tummy, you'll now find you've got grief in a bit of a box. That agonizing pain will no longer be a mysterious, awesome, scary force like an angry ocean. For now you've discovered just how shallow the pain of grief really is. And that knowledge can help you get through each day much easier than before.

The dread will have lost its sting.

No Problems In The Present Moment

I've written a number of posts now about a major tenet of ho'oponopono, namely that all our problems in life come from our memories. This should be very clear to see as we struggle through bereavement. If you open a newspaper from a neighboring city to the obituaries, I'm sure you can find an obit concerning someone you don't know. Do you feel overwhelming sadness about their death? No? Why? You probably feel overwhelming sadness concerning the death of your spouse. But what is the difference? They are both dead people. The difference is, you have no memories of the dead stranger, but you have tons of memories of your dead spouse.

I was reading part of The Sedona Method yesterday, and I found a great section that takes this concept to a whole new level. It also teaches a powerful life skill that I feel will help you immensely in your grief work.

[from pages 268-270]:

Exploration: There Are No Problems

...I'd like to share one of the most powerful perspectives that we've been exploring in Sedona Method Advanced Courses with you: There are no problems in the present moment. I saved this piece for now, because I know this may be hard for you to accept, but — what if all the supposed problems you have right now are only memories? I challenge you to explore this question for yourself and at least entertain the possibility. If you can even partially accept this notion, and work with it as best you can in the way outlined here, it will give you another powerful tool to transform your life radically for the better.

The reason that problems appear to persist through time is that, whenever they're not here, in this moment, we go looking for them. Yes, we actually seek our problems. We tend to filter our experiences based on the belief that we have a particular problem, unconsciously censoring anything from our awareness that doesn't support that belief, including the fact that the problem is not here NOW.

I have worked with this perspective in the background of my awareness for many years; however it has only been in the last few years that I have used it in our classes and retreats. One of the first times I shared this perspective with a group was at a Seven-day Retreat a few years ago. Henry came to the retreat wearing a leg brace and feeling a lot of pain due to torn ligaments in his knee. His doctors had told him that the pain would probably persist for about six months until all the ligaments healed. So, he was quite skeptical when I told him that even pain is a memory. Yes, there were sensations in the NOW, but the pain itself was only a memory. He was so skeptical, in fact, that he spent the next 24 hours trying to prove me wrong. He was certain that if he got completely present with the sensations he was experiencing, he would still feel pain.

The next day in class, Henry shared that he was more than a little shocked that, despite the fact he had doubted what I said, every time he looked for pain in the present, he couldn't find it. He went on to explain that not only could he not find pain in the present, but there was no more pain to be found period, and his swelling had gone down about 85 percent. He also no longer needed his leg brace to walk!

I invite you to challenge your long cherished problems by embracing at least the possibility that they are only memories and allowing yourself to be open to what you discover.

To release the suffering caused by your perceptions, begin by thinking of a problem that you used to believe you had. (Notice that I have purposely phrased this sentence in the past tense.)

If you have a hard time accepting the problem as being from the past, allow yourself to include the last moment as part of the past. Most of us think of the past as at least yesterday, last year, or years ago. For the sake of understanding what I am suggesting, please view the past as anything that is not happening at this exact moment, including a second ago, or even a nanosecond ago.

Then, ask yourself this question: Could I allow myself to remember how I used to believe I had this problem?

The shift in consciousness that follows the question may make you laugh, it may make you tingle inside, or it may simply open the possibility in your awareness that, "Yes, even this is just a memory."

Next, ask yourself: Would I like to change that from the past?

If the answer is "yes," ask: Could I let go of wanting to change that from the past? Then let go as best you can.

Simply move on to the next step if the answer is "no."

The completion question in this series is: Could I let go of wanting to believe I have that problem again? Or: Could I let go of the expectation of having that problem happen again?

As always, just do your best to let go. If you find that you're still clinging to the memory of the problem in this moment, however, repeat the steps from the beginning until you can let go fully.

There are tons of excellent exercises in this book to help you let go of all your problems, anxieties, fears, and limitations. I highly, highly recommend it.

Erase Traumatic Memories

Tonight I'm going to post one more "mind movie" exercise. My last post was about image switching, and I first posted about mind movies back in November 2007. Tonight's technique is called the "eraser," and I hope it can be especially helpful for those of you who find yourselves replaying the moment of your spouse's death over and over and over again. Between these three "mind movie" techniques, I hope you are able to be free of the Ludovico Treatment:

THE ERASER

Here is a powerful exercise to rid yourself of negative feelings caused by past events. This can be done in your mental theater. It is an excellent technique to use for fears and phobias, as well as shyness.

1. First sit in the audience of your theater, near the back, so that the screen is quite far away and small. Have some popcorn, relax and enjoy yourself.


2. On the screen, put a black and white still shot of yourself just before the incident that gives you bad memories occurred.


3. Now, from the back of the theater, enjoying your popcorn, watch yourself in a black and white movie of the incident. View the incident until it is over and you're okay. (If the incident still makes you a little uncomfortable, make the screen even further away and smaller, rewind the film to the beginning and watch it again.)


4. After you have watched the incident to its conclusion, stop the film and STEP IN to the movie — become yourself in the movie.


5. Now turn up the color and the sound and run the film backwards to the beginning very fast — in one or two seconds, no more. Everybody and everything will move backwards super fast like a movie rewinding. Stay in the movie. Now run the movie forward to the end even faster — now back again.
   Return to your seat and think about the incident that made you feel negative. Notice the difference in your feelings.


6. Imagine a similar situation in the future. Notice your feelings. Look into the future. Is there any time when those negative feelings would be appropriate?

It is proper to be a little nervous or frightened in some situations. It keeps us alert.

[Taken from the Zero Resistance Living course, Volume 1, page 233.]

Image Switching

I wrote early on about mind movies and a powerful technique for changing memories of traumatic events. The basis of the technique is altering the movie you play in your mind by changing your perspective of it, much like you change your perspective in a real theater by sitting further back as opposed to close to the front. It is a great technique that was super-helpful to me, and I often recommend it for widow/ers who can't get images of the death of their spouse out of their heads.

There are several other "mind movie" exercises in the Zero Resistance Living course, and tonight I'd like to share another one called "The Image Switch." This one is similar to the Theater of the Mind exercise I wrote about earlier, but it deals more with the creative aspect of building our new life.

A short word of warning: this exercise is very helpful for those of you who are down the road a fair way and are maybe just looking for a technique to help get you un-stuck in your grieving. If you are still within that first year, however, be aware that any kind of planning for the future is often a major grief trigger. Still, I share it for everyone so that when the time is right, you have this powerful tool at your fingertips. I hope you find it helpful:

The Image Switch Exercise

This is an excellent exercise for ridding yourself of unwanted habits and reprogramming your brain to do new, positive behavior automatically.

In this exercise, you actually switch mental images so that the image or situation that "triggered" the unwanted action will trigger new, desired behavior automatically.

The Image Switch Exercise is very powerful and useful. You can use it to change attitudes and feelings as well as habits. Take the time to learn it thoroughly.

1. Make a still picture of yourself just before you do the thing you want to stop doing. Be in the picture. (For example, if you want to stop biting your fingernails, see your hand-coming up to your mouth.) Make it as detailed as you can.


2. Close your eyes and on your movie screen create a beautiful vibrant color picture of yourself the way you would be if you didn't have the habit. Be out of this picture.

Look at yourself. What kind of person would you be? Make a very attractive, positive picture of yourself. Make it colorful. It is a picture of a wonderful future you, a person free of that unwanted habit. Someone you really want to be.

Set that picture aside for a moment.

3. Put your bad habit picture on your screen. Make it further away and smaller until it just disappears on the horizon.


4. Substitute your tiny, distant, positive picture on the horizon. Make it closer and larger. Notice how attractive that wonderful, future you is — your real, best you.
   Feel yourself drawn to the picture.


5. Open your eyes.


6. Repeat Steps 3 and 4 ten times, each time switching the pictures faster and faster. By the tenth time you will be able to switch the negative picture to the positive one in about one second.

Remember to open your eyes after each time you do Steps 3 and 4.

You can use this exercise to create new habits also.

In this case, in Step 1, create a picture of yourself not doing what you want to do.

In Step 2, create a very attractive picture of yourself as the kind of person you would be if you had the habit you want.

Then do Steps 3 and 4 as before.

Do this exercise ten times each day this week using the same pictures. (It will only take a couple of minutes to do — remember, the faster you switch the pictures the more effective it will be).

Your Body Knows How To Grieve

Early on in the grieving process, we often find the very prospect of grieving overwhelming. It is true that we are goal-seeking machines, but somehow verbalizing "grieve well" or "heal from this pain" seems to bung up the gears. In my case, it took a number of months before I was even able to verbalize my first main goal: to be at peace with Deb's death.

Yet what a prospect! I had no idea where to begin. Reading books on grieving didn't seem to help much as they all seemed to say that grief was different for everyone and that we all grieve in our own way. I was looking for a book by someone who had fully healed within a year who laid it all out, step by step. Then all I needed to do was follow the steps and I would be cured. But I couldn't find such a book. I would have to figure this thing out on my own.

I have written a few articles (learning from grief, focusing to heal) about a technique called Focusing. It essentially teaches one how to listen to one's body, to make use of the wisdom of the entire body, not just the mind. I was glad that I had learned a bit about focusing in the years prior to Deb's death. Once the widower fog cleared up a bit and I started serious grieving, I was glad to know that I was feeling all this pain and disorientation for a reason, and that my body knew what that reason was, even if I didn't.

I was reminded of the importance of Focusing on grief recovery when I was reading an article called Pre-verbal Knowing. Instead of using the word "body," the article uses the word "somatic," but the essence of the article highlights the fact that our bodies know how to make sense of overwhelming data, if we will only learn to listen to its knowledge. The idea in this article is that we used to naturally rely on the wisdom of the body, but we have forgotten how to do this. Re-learning this skill proved to be an important part of my grief recovery. As you read the article, imagine how much easier it will be to grieve successfully without having to figure it all out. For me, it was a weird kind of faith. I knew I would grieve successfully, even if I didn't understand how to grieve or how long it would take. Listening to my body was an important skill, and I think the benefits are there for any bereaved person. Enjoy the article:

Pre-verbal Knowing

As we move from a pre-verbal somatic experience in very early childhood to a verbal rational experience as we grow older, we often tend to disassociate from our earlier and more intuitive form of "pre-verbal knowing". As we grow up in an industrialized world, we get taught to disconnect from the animal/intuitive/somatic world as well as the world of nature, and in the process our bodies, feelings, and connections to self and other suffer immeasurably.

When you experience something directly, then you can sense there is a way of knowing that precedes language and cognition. Usually, this form of "knowing" cannot be fully articulated, understood, or sensed, by the cognitive self, but is "valid" nonetheless. This pre-verbal somatic knowing is what we strive to learn more about in the study of Seishindo.

One of the main ideas in Seishindo is to melt the thinking mind, so that one can reenter into a relationship with the pre-verbal somatic part of our self, which is indeed intelligent. The purpose of our study in Seishindo is not to change a behavior or to change one's self via one's practice, but rather to come to a deeper understanding of one's true self. The "truth" of what you want to understand is found in the realization of who you truly are. This is a knowledge that comes prior to the need for verbal language. This is a knowledge that comes prior to the need to think.

The world is much too complex and fertile to be fully understood and adapted to by use of the rational mind alone. The more time you spend focusing on trying to find the “correct” answer or method, the less open you will be to sensing the wisdom of your pre-verbal somatic self. When you don't know the answer, focus on the fact that currently indeed you do not know, and rest easy with this knowledge, rather than attempting to grasp a solution. Give your thinking mind a rest, so that the intuitive somatic mind can come to the forefront and more fully assist you in the creation of solutions. When the somatic mind is used more fully, our fundamental perception of self and the world changes, and our awareness and our ability to be solution oriented increases. When we enter into such a state, the intelligence of the entire system will create the changes that are necessary for our health and well being, as well as for our business success. Easier said than done perhaps, but well worth the effort.

In reading about world renowned stock traders, venture capital business people and futurists, I have found that they consistently make the same basic statement in regard to how they work: "With a good deal of background and experience one can predict long term trends of the future, but it is impossible to predict what will occur tomorrow. When it is all said and done, there is way too much information to sort through prior to making a decision, and much of the information that you do receive is contradictory in nature. In the long run you are only left with your intuitive sense of what to do and not do. Correct action or theory is not based on an absolute. My decisions come from a hunch. An intuitive sense of what has been, what is, and what will be." This intuitive pre-verbal form of knowing is what we will be exploring in the articles available on this site. Which is not to suggest that we will help you to better play the stock market!

Debriding Emotional Wounds

debridement

surgical removal of foreign material and dead tissue from a wound in order to prevent infection and promote healing

One really neat aspect of blogging that I wasn't aware of when I started this Grief Recovery Tools project is that I would meet really neat people through my writing. By registering as a Spousal Bereavement Expert on SelfGrowth.com, a great website whose mission is "to provide informative, quality Self Improvement and Natural Health information to help people improve their lives," there have been many invitations to join other Expert networks. One such Expert is Elizabeth Bohorquez, and she has written some amazing articles that I'd like to share with you. Here's the first one. Enjoy!

Inside My Critical Nature & Being

"Blessed is the man who can take bricks thrown at him & build a sound foundation"....Tom Pryor

Related SpokenWords, Thoughts & Emotional MindState - captious, carping, caviling, cavillous, censorious, critic, faultfinding, hypercritical, overcritical, discerning, discriminating, penetrating; finicky, fussy, particular; belittling, demeaning, disparaging, humbling, lowering.

Over the past few days I found myself journaling about criticism that tend to initiate conflicts...self-delivered & delivered by others. I learned from one of my patients that Gemini was in retrograde or something like that, meaning that communication is off. Of course this made me feel better immediately, knowing I had little to do with all the criticism floating around me.

Automatic writing or journaling is very helpful for me personally & I often recommend it to my patients as well, even if they balk about writing. The balking is usually fear-related. Yes, writing is committing ink to paper....or at least it was in the past. I still journal with real paper & pen. It helps to slow the mind down, allowing the images or ideas to form.

After so many years of working in this field, I'm still amazed at how the subconscious mind will cooperate with emotional reframing & healing. Sometimes all I really need is a good metaphor to manage my heavy-air days.

As I broached the subject of critical words, here are some things that came off of my pen....delivered directly from my subconscious mind.

1. Criticism can be a good thing, even if the person delivering it does not mean it as such.....myself included. Of course we are our biggest critic. That's no secret. I'm also well aware of constructive vs destructive criticism. However, I often have a problem with accepting the term constructive criticism, especially when it is delivered in what appears to be a destructive way. Or, is this just a matter of Gemini in retrograde?

2. It doesn't really matter if the criticism is constructive or destructive, nor if Gemini is having a problem or not. I can benefit from all of it... & if there is plenty of it around, it follows that I would could have a wealth of benefits, if I just did what I needed to do. Hmmm....

3. The subconscious mind often connects things in strange ways in order to make it's point. I was brought back to my time of nursing in Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center & to the memory of debriding wounds. Wounds cannot heal properly until the dead or infected tissue is removed, often speck by speck. The job of the wound care nurse is to utilize different techniques to achieve this. However, it cannot be done all at once. It is a process, sometimes taking months, depending on the depth or complexity of the wound. The metaphor is forming....

4. Emotional wounds are similar to physical ones. They must also be debrided. Criticism is like pouring acid into certain emotional wounds. Anyone who has experienced this phenomena is certainly familiar with the combination of physical & emotional pain that results. I know that I am....

5. Many of us were born into a very critical environments, thus making us highly sensitive to critical words. Simple words, even if delivered in a constructive way, can be very frightening & debilitating. As a child I had no power & had to develop ways to survive this type of environment, but as an adult I do have power & so it is my responsibility to debride mywounds so I can heal & continue my self-growth.

6. Managing stress is not the same as debriding wounds. While it is very important to eat correctly, meditate, exercise & practice mindfulness, if I truly want to heal & manage my emotions at higher levels, I must be willing to cleanse & debride my wounds.

7. Emotional wounds are debrided through awareness & timely releasing. When criticism is painful, there is a wound that needs to be cleaned. The process is simple, but not always easy. I remember that when treating a patient's wound, I'd often tell them, Yes, it hurts & no, it won't hurt forever. I remember....the patient learns to bring his/her attention to the breath & to ride it, just like riding gentle waves in the sea. The physical pain begins to move to the side & then diminishes. The patient learns to see/sense the wound healing from the bottom up.

8. The same holds true for emotional healing. As the wound heals from the bottom up, the mind will often send fragments of the debris. These may be in the form of old memories or emotions that need to be released. Opening & healing is now in process...

More About Criticism & Connected Conflicts...

There are other things that are helpful for me to remember. First off the bat, conflicts & criticism are inevitable, as long as I'm willing or interested in standing up for what I believe are my rights or beliefs.

It does help to simply the actual word conflict or criticism. The subconscious meaning of words can be so powerful as to disallow any scrutiny because of the attached, automatic mind fear patterns. Conflicts are simply two sets of demands, goals or motives that appear to be incompatible. I must remind myself that I deal with conflicts all day long. Some might be small & I may not even label these as conflicts, but they are nevertheless. This is a very important awareness because as I view them under the conflict or criticism label, I'll come to know that I have been developing excellent resolution skills for a very long time, some actually from early childhood.

Conflicts & accompanying criticisms come in sizes including small, medium & large. Some are more uncomfortable than others. The more uncomfortable tend to be connected to deeper wounds or more sensitive areas in the subconscious mind. Keep in mind that these are very valuable as debriding tools.

The conflicts or critiques I play in the theater of my mind tend to be more frequent & often larger. It's important for me not to forget that these also effect my body physiology & bring more debris to old, deep wounds. Engaging the thought process in awfulizing is a very bad habit & one that can have serious physical & emotional consequences.

This happens to be one of my habits & so I've asked my own subconscious mind to wake me when I'm doing this, so I have the opportunity to break the habit & release the stress. At the same time, I'll take advantage of the self-criticism & do a very more steps to debride any old wounds.

Simple Metaphors for Managing Criticisms...

Here's one I utilize for myself quite often. When someone is critical of me, I change those words in my mind. They are critical of something I've done. This simply means that we have a difference of opinion about this something. That is easier for me to accept & curbs the production of stress chemicals. Remember, I was born into a very critical environment, so I am very sensitive.

Next, in the theater of my mind, I take the "something" & rinse it off under my very beautiful golden faucet. I want to remove the emotional component that was part of the delivery. This way, I am free to examine the "something" & decide if I want to change anything about my part or my beliefs. I may do this immediately, or decide to wait. Then, I might simply thank the other person for bringing this to my attention & to let them know that I'll think about it. This moves me out of a defensive position, into one of maturity & self-control.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is a Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist, who works in the area of loss & healing. Her websites offer many articles & discussion on the subject, as well as complimentary mp3 downloads.

In Your Own Time

We must travel in the direction of our fear.

— John Berryman, "A Point Of Age"

I never did like the expression "Time heals all wounds." Was I just supposed to sit back and wait for the hourglass of my life to pour out too? That seemed grossly unfair, especially as I had just seen the hourglass of Deb's life run out way too early. And besides, I have never been one to just sit back and let life happen (or run me over, as the case may be). I wanted Grief Recovery Tools, and I wanted them now!

Being an active griever is much different than being a passive one. The following Widownet article may be helpful in explaining some of the mindset you may want to adopt, especially if your grief is new, fresh, and horribly raw:

---

IN YOUR OWN TIME

Let us change the supposedly cheering words, "Time heals all wounds," which often frighten the griever, to "In your own time." Thus we lift ourselves away from a passive waiting to an active doing. Any situation in which you participate and have some control, is always more promising and stimulating than the prospect of waiting.

Participating in your own grief is not a complicated process -

It takes courage to face facts and your real feelings.

It takes patience to accept and live through shock and suffering.

It takes a clear head to sift good advice from bad, to make decisions based on your very personal needs, instead of what friends and relatives believe you should do.

It takes self-analysis to look at yourself in the glare of truth and change what you know needs changing.

It takes self-discipline to work out of shock and suffering, to rejoin the human race with dignity and a sense of your own personal worth as an individual.

It takes a little common sense to plan your day so it will lead you closer to the goals you have set for your future.

It takes fortitude to reach beyond your environment for new friends and still remain on easy terms with old friends.

It takes imagination and willpower to present an optimistic personality to the world when your inner life is in shambles.

And yet, if you have given yourself time to accept the shock, time to suffer, you will be free – not of sorrow, but of suppressed emotions, and ready to take one step at a time toward your unknown, adventurous and promising future.

— Taken from "Up from Grief"

When People Say Dumb Things

Charlie Brown said, "I've developed a new life philosophy — I only dread one day at a time." As we progress on our journey, we can often come to dread the crazy things that come out of well-wisher's mouths sometimes. In many cases, I believe people truly believe they are being helpful. I've adopted Hanlon's Razor as a good rule of thumb, namely to never assume malice when stupidity will suffice. They just don't know what they don't know.

I've come across three different responses (or comebacks, or retorts, depending on your mood) that can come in handy. The first one comes from Ann Landers and is probably the gentlest of the bunch. So when someone says, "well, at least he's no longer suffering," or "you're fortunate in that you knew she was going to die," or "at least you still have your children / dog / cat," you can look at them square in the face and say,

I'm sure you mean well.

For most people, this seems sufficient for them to get the hint. Then there are those more persistent people who make up the camp of DGIs for whom the previous response may not have sunk in sufficiently. Some stronger medicine may be required. A great answer for someone who says, "gee, haven't you moved on yet? It has already been a week / month / year:"

Thank you for your concern, but I'm grieving as fast as I can.

I discovered that gem by reading a book of near identical title, I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can. I think it is a great way to express some frustration while still maintaining the relationship with the dear DGI.

Some days, however, we may want to give someone both barrels, and make it abundantly plain that A) they have no idea what they are talking about, B) that they have stepped way over the line, and C) you're not interested in being on the receiving end of any more of their advice. You'll probably want to be cautious with this one, but it is pretty much guaranteed to turn off the unsolicited suggestions. If someone is in your face about how it has already been 3 months and how you should already be out there dating again, and don't you have any self-control, you're always crying, and what, are you going to grieve forever?

How about, when your spouse dies, you come on over and we can compare notes — until then, you have no idea what you are talking about.

I've never had to use it myself, but reports I've heard from widow/ers who have used it confirm that no more well-meaning advice was offered after that ;-) And quite likely you will be told that you should seek help :-P

I'll say goodnight with one of my favourite bumperstickers:

Forget Youth — How About A Fountain Of Smart?

Drugs Is The Answer

Sometimes in grief, the pain can be so intense and so prolonged that we would do anything to get some respite, if even for a minute. I found drugs to be super helpful at such moments. No, I don't mean the ones prescribed by a doctor, and I certainly don't mean illegal drugs. I'm talking about the ones our mind creates, specifically endorphins. Endorphins function in a similar fashion to morphine and other opiates. Some people call them "natural pain killers."

Many activities can release endorphins, such as:

• Exercise


• Meditation


• Enjoying music


• Stroking a pet


• Enjoying nature


• Laughing


• Smiling


• Singing


• Aromatherapy


• Massage

When a wave of grief hits, we may not have the presence of mind or the will to laugh or sing or enjoy nature (or anything else!) or meditate or exercise. We may not have essential oils on us at the time, and massage isn't terribly practical when we're at work.

Smiling, however, is always an option. Even a forced smile will release endorphins. This is a trick I learned just after Deb had been diagnosed with 3-6 months to live (she lived 16 months after the terminal diagnosis). I can remember being at work and stressed beyond imagination, and I'd think of this trick and force a smile. A real big one. Then another, and another. There were many days, and often several times a day, when I'd need a "hit" or three to get past the next five minutes.

After Deb died and the acute phase of grieving began, there were a number of days where I almost couldn't even force a smile. But even a tiny, weak smile would be enough to ease the pain momentarily. This one simple tool never failed to bring at least some relief. I still use it today if some event causes me to become emotionally unbalanced.

When I was researching for this post, I discovered that it is the initial act of smiling that causes the endorphin release. So, for a real big hit, I can smile quickly 50 times in a row :-) I'm just thinking now of all those lovely brain drugs I missed out on when I would force a smile and hold it ;-)

I find it enormously helpful and comforting to know that pain relief is a simple smile away. I hope you find it helpful also.

Further reading:

• 
  "The Great Endorphin Hunt" by Jan Sadler of PainSUPPORT


• Personal Mind Control


• Smile, You Might Live Longer -- and Enjoy It!


• E Is For Endorphins

Bonus Tip: Yes ladies, ingestion of chocolate also releases endorphins ;-)

Focusing to Heal

If you read my last post, you may have wondered what I meant when I described how I let my body grieve without getting mentally involved. There's a good story here.

Many years ago, I had started reading a book called Focusing, a book about how to listen to your body and the wisdom it contains. This was my first exposure to the idea that intelligence existed in my entire body, not just in my brain. However, I found the book to be difficult to read, so I abandoned it about half-way through. At the time, I didn't feel I needed the skills it would teach me bad enough to justify the slog through it.

Fast-forward several years, and Deb and I were full-bore into our battle against cancer. I remembered the book but didn't have time to get into it again. Once Deb died, I felt that now was the time to delve back in and learn the skills. Besides, now I was motivated — my body felt terrible, and I liked the idea that it was trying to tell me something, if I would only learn to listen.

I read through Focusing quickly enough, pushing through the difficult parts. I didn't find it terribly accessible as it seemed to be written for a professional audience as opposed to a layman. Still, I liked the simple exercises and felt they were helpful. I also started to do more research into the focusing technique, and I stumbled upon Ann Weiser Cornell's The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing. Unlike the first Focusing book, I found this one to be highly accessible and much more helpful. Here's an example from the first chapter:

Whenever Jenny needed to speak up about herself, she got a choking sensation in her throat. The more important the situation was to her, the stronger she felt the choking. Job interviews and class presentations were painful, nearly impossible. She had been to many therapists and tried many techniques to try to get rid of this choking sensation, without results. She diagnosed herself as "self-defeating, masochistic, always sabotaging myself."

Then Jenny heard about Focusing. She heard that Focusing is a way of listening to your body with compassion, without assumptions. She heard that many people experience profound and lasting change from this kind of inner listening. She was doubtful. It sounded too simple! But she was willing to give it a try, because she was desperate for something to work.

One thing that intrigued Jenny was that Focusing is a skill, not a therapeutic technique. Although many therapists incorporate Focusing in their work, Jenny would be able to learn Focusing without going to a therapist. She liked the idea of learning a skill that she would be able to use, not only for the choking sensation but for any issue in her life, on her own, without needing to pay someone.

When Jenny came in for her Focusing lesson and told me her situation, I had a strong feeling that Focusing could help her. I've taught Focusing to many hundreds of people over the years, and Jenny's circumstance was classic. Her body was already speaking to her. She just needed to learn how to hear its message.

I asked Jenny if she was feeling the choking at that very moment. "Yes. I can feel it. It's here now because I'm learning a new technique with you, and I feel I have to do well."

I asked her to describe what it felt like. She looked a little surprised, and said, "Choking, of course!" I asked her to go back to the sensation and check the word "choking" to make sure that word was the right word for how it felt.

She looked thoughtful. "Actually," she said slowly, "it's more like a hand squeezing."

Now Jenny's eyes were closed and she was concentrating inwardly. I asked her to gently say hello to the hand squeezing sensation. "Just say to it, 'Yes, I know you're there.' "

This was a completely new attitude for her. "I've never sort of looked it in the eye before; I've just tried to get rid of it." So this new attitude took a while to find, but when she did, there was a definite sense of bodily relief: "It's still there, but it's not painful anymore. It's almost like, now that it has my attention, it doesn't need to hurt me."

Then I asked Jenny to imagine that she was sitting down with the sensation as she would sit with a friend, compassionate and curious about how the friend was feeling.

Jenny was silent for several minutes, eyes closed, sensing. Then her eyes opened in astonishment. "Wow. I never dreamed it would say something like that. That's really amazing."

I waited, knowing that she would tell me the rest in her own time.

In a moment she spoke again. "It says ... it says it cares about me! It says it's just trying to keep me from making mistakes!"

"And how does it feel now?" I asked.

"The choking or squeezing is completely gone. My throat feels open and relaxed. There's a good warm feeling spreading all through my body. This is really amazing. I never thought it would change like this!"

I hope you find this intriguing enough to source yourself a copy. It has helped me immensely.

Grief Judo

Today turned out to be a heavy day, yet an eminently enjoyable one. I attended an infant baptism for the son of my late wife's cousin. I'll preface this by saying that this was my third baptism as a widower, and the previous two had really messed me up. The first one had been a few months after Deb died, for the child of Deb's co-worker, and all I could think about was how much Deb would have loved to have been there. The second one was 3 months later for her new niece, and I cried through the whole thing, and for most of the rest of the day. It's hard to enjoy a day when it feels like someone is cutting you in half with a sword.

Today, though, I had no apprehensions about attending, even though this one was for the son of Deb's favourite cousin. The ceremony went very well, and I was genuinely happy for the parents and the family. Afterwards, we gathered at the parent's house for an excellent lunch, and I remember distinctly thinking to myself, "baby, you've come a long way."

Of course, the universe seems to wait for moments like that, doesn't it? ;-) Almost like it says, "oh yeah, buddy? You feeling lucky today?" in its best Clint Eastwood voice ;-)

As I was preparing to leave and had started to say my goodbyes, I noticed a man around my age hanging back a bit, but obviously wanting to speak with me. I knew most of the people present, but I didn't know him. After I gave my aunt-in-law a hug goodbye, he came up and introduced himself: "Hi, I'm Dr. S____; I was the one who originally diagnosed Deb and arranged for her hysterectomy."

Gulp. If you've been a widow/er for any length of time, you've probably heard that grief comes in waves, and could I ever sense a 15 footer coming my way, fast! What was I going to do?

A few days prior, a widow I had attended a 10-week closed group with earlier in the year had emailed me and had mentioned that I always seemed to be able to find resources for coping with grief that others hadn't been able to find. I had thought about that comment long and hard and came to the conclusion that, sure, I was able to find a lot of unique resources, but I was motivated to find them.

Several years ago, I had read a really good article by Jim Rohn called "Skills Make Labor More Valuable":

As you know by now, if you have been a long time subscriber to our weekly E-zine, I'm a very big proponent of activity, labor and discipline. In fact I devoted one of the five major pieces to the life puzzle (in my book under the same name) to the subject of activity and labor. But now let me add another key word to the labor equation - skillful. Yes, skillful labor.

We need the skills to help build our family's dreams, the skills to stir up an enterprise and make it successful. We need skills to build equities for the future. We need skills of all kinds.

How about this - skillful language. If you just talk to your family you can hold them all together, but if you skillfully talk to your children you can help them build dreams for the future. That is why I spend so much time at the Weekend Seminar on communication - how to affect others with words.

You can't be lazy in language - it cost too much. What if you meant to say "what's troubling you?" and instead you said "what's wrong with you?". Wow, that's too big a mistake. And sure you could have made that mistake 10 years ago, but not now. You should have gotten much better by now in language and communication.

Skills multiply labors by two, by five, by ten, by fifty, by one hundred times. Hey, you can chop a tree down with a hammer but it takes about 30 days, called labor. But if you trade the hammer in for an ax, you can chop the tree down in about 30 minutes. What's the difference in 30 days and 30 minutes? Skills. Skills made the difference.

So do what you can - labor. But also do the best that you can do – improved skills. And you will find that the labor combined with skills will start producing miracles. Miracles with your money, miracles with your family and miracles in every part of your life.

After Deb died, and once I had recognized that I was grieving, I was determined to become skilled in grieving. I wasn't going to be wailing away with a hammer 30 years from now trying to fell this tree of grief. No, I was going to become a master griever, a Black Belt, if you like. And that thought really propelled me in my search for the best tools and skills to help me grieve really well.

Fast-forward to today: I could feel the wave of grief crash over me, but this time I wasn't broken, floored, or floundering. It was almost like an impromptu Black Belt test: think fast; what are you going to do?

I'm a firm believer that my body knows how to grieve, and I just need to let it do its thing, and be fine with that. As the grief wave hit, I could feel all kinds of things going on with my body, but it was almost like I mentally just stepped aside and let all that energy pass me by, like a judo master stepping aside a split second before the bigger, stronger, tougher opponent plows into him.

The Doctor and I had a great chat about his practice, the latest advancements in cervical cancer prevention, and I purposely prolonged the conversation to see just how far I could go. I told him at the end of 20 minutes that I couldn't have had this conversation 6 months ago.

My body continued working through the grief for a good hour or so afterwards; I fumbled things I was carrying, and I was a bit more preoccupied and distracted than usual. But mentally, I saw no reason to get involved. My mind just needed to get out of the way and let my body grieve.

Today was a milestone.

Grief Work

After my first support group meeting, I realized I had quite the journey ahead of me. By now I was starting to really feel terrible. I learned later that, for the first 5 months or so, my brain had produced a kind of sedative to keep me pretty mellow as I recovered from the death and funeral. Now, those lovely mind drugs were starting to wear off, and reality was starting to bite, hard. In that first support group meeting, I listened to people who were still grieving intensely after 1 year, 18 months, two years, two and a half, even. And there was a bit of talk about "grief work." What the heck was that?

Well, I had a bit of an idea. A few months earlier, a friend at work had given me a copy of a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook. I had read through it once, but at the time I was still too much in a daze for it to really impact me. Besides, it is more of a workbook than a handbook, and I don't think you'll get anything out of it by simply reading it. There are about 6 weeks worth of exercises in there, and it is highly recommended that you work with a partner. I was lucky in that they guy who gave me the book was also willing to work with me on the exercises. Even though the book says it is possible to do the exercises by yourself, they do recommend working with someone else, and I recommend this approach as well.

I am glad I began working on the exercises when I did, about 6 months after the funeral. It is not easy to do the exercises, and I found it to be quite tiring, especially after each weekly meeting with my work partner. Lots and lots of tears, increasing each week. I freed up as much time as I could from any activities outside of work, simply because I didn't have the energy.

The guided grief work in this handbook involved taking stock of my entire relationship with Deb and documenting the highs and the lows in a chart. From here, I acknowledged the many things I was happy to have shared with her, the things I was sorry had caused her sadness, and the things about her which I was pissed off about. The authors stress many times in the book that death does not end the relationship, it merely changes it. So it made sense that I had all these incomplete issues that were still occupying my thoughts. I needed to let them go, and the last few exercises assisted me in writing a goodbye letter and reading it to my work partner.

I absolutely did not want to read that goodbye letter to anyone! I knew it would be hard and that I would cry all the way through it. Also, it was highly personal, and I didn't know my work partner all that well. I trusted that he would keep the letter contents confidential, but it wasn't a deep level of trust. I viewed it as a risk, one that I was willing to take. As for it being hard, well, my reference point for hard had been reset about 5 months earlier. Deciding what to write on Deb's tombstone while my 2 year old son ran around the monument shop, now that was hard. This was going to be considerably easier.

And in fact, it was all over before I knew it. Was I "cured" of my grief after I had read the letter? Hardly. I had many more months of sorrow ahead of me before I could begin feeling halfway normal again. But somehow, I now had a floor under me, a place from where I could begin to build a new life as a single man. It is quite common for widows and widowers to either idolize or demonize their dead spouse, and this seems to prolong grief. The handbook forced me to look at my completed marriage objectively, seeing both the good and the bad, and acknowledging both, and saying what needed to be said to put issues to rest. Looking back, I can see that completing these exercises were a real milestone on my grief journey.